For the longest time I hid all of the things that went through my head. I hid everything and it put me into the worst moods. Being that moody can literally make anything and everything set me off and i literally go crazy. I get mad for no reason. I get mad because it adds on to the things that are already eating my apart. I hid everything and it tore apart so many relationships. It tore so many things apart and burnt so many bridges simply because I didn't know how to talk about it and I didn't want to.
I've slowly been learning that I can't do that. I can't keep hiding all of the things that go through my head. I can't just push them aside like they aren't there.. Because thats when they add up and come back all at once. That's when they come back full force and hit me like a train. I can't push them aside, but i also can't hide them. I can't sit back and just figure out how to deal with them on my own.
I slowly destroyed a lot of relationships.. and I can't do that anymore. I can't hide the things that go through my head on a bad day. It's terrifying and it's heartbreaking to open up about them.. because you see the look in people's eyes and how much it hurts them to hear the things that go through your head.. but it helps you.
Bad days are going to happen... maybe a couple in a row or just one every once in a while but it's apart of recovery. The hardest part of the bad days is that in recovery you can't listen to the things your ed tells you. You can't go back to how it used to be to make things go away. But the whole part of recovery is understanding that there are people that love you and there are people that care. Even if it's just one person that you decide to talk to .. you need to open up and express how you feel and whats going on. Recovery isn't just about getting back to a healthy weight. Recovery is about learning how to love yourself and learning how to do things that your ed never allowed you to do.
Talking to people and opening up them is hard and it takes time to get used to. Maybe i'll never get used to and it might take time to get things out of me.. but i'm trying and that's really all any of us can do.
Monday, November 2, 2015
Tuesday, October 13, 2015
Recovery & The Bad Days
When it comes to Recovery there isn't a schedule of how it all plays out. There's no set plan that tells you when you're going to be okay and when you're going to struggle. Everything is on a day to day basis and it can be overwhelming and exhausting.
There are going to be days that you don't want to get out of bed. That you just want to curl up in a ball and just give up because the voice in your head is so overpowering that you can't tune it out anymore.
There are going to be nights that you lay awake and think about everything. You lay there calculating every little thing, until you go insane. There are going to be nights that you can't pick yourself up off the floor because it's all coming back... worse than it was before.
Those days and those nights are going to make you feel like you've failed. That you can't do it.. that recovery isn't for you.
As time goes on, those days are farther apart. Those nights come less often... and on some you're even able to pick yourself back up and shake yourself off to reset. Those days can wear you out and those nights can leave you feeling so helpless and lost. But the thing about those days and nights is that you just need to pick yourself back up and realize that there have been better days. There have been good days.. and there will good days again.
It doesn't matter how far you've come in your recovery, or how long it's been since you've chosen the path of life you can still have bad days. It doesn't make you weak and it doesn't take away from everything that you've accomplished so far. You can be three years into recovery and have a bad night .. or a bad week. It doesn't make you a bad person for struggling. It doesn't make you a failure because you're having a hard time.
There isn't an outline for when you're going to be recovered. There's no set date from when you started to when you're done. It's a personal journey, and whatever feelings you face along the way are vaild. Whatever bad days you encounter and whatever obstacles are placed in your path, you will overcome them all on you own time.
Recovery is not a hit or miss. It's not a pass or fail. There is no right or wrong. It's simply a path that we choose to take in order to better ourselves and find ourselves. Recovery is not living with an eating disorder, it's choosing to live dispite our mental illness. It's choosing to live dispite what the voice in our head tells us.
Part of recovering is embracing the bad days and building on them. Bad days are going to happen, its what you do with them that decides where you go next. Life isn't about what happens to you on a day to day basis. Your life is built around how you've handled every situation and obstacle... Recovery is the same thing. How you deal with your bad days, will determine how good, your good days are.
There are going to be days that you don't want to get out of bed. That you just want to curl up in a ball and just give up because the voice in your head is so overpowering that you can't tune it out anymore.
There are going to be nights that you lay awake and think about everything. You lay there calculating every little thing, until you go insane. There are going to be nights that you can't pick yourself up off the floor because it's all coming back... worse than it was before.
Those days and those nights are going to make you feel like you've failed. That you can't do it.. that recovery isn't for you.
As time goes on, those days are farther apart. Those nights come less often... and on some you're even able to pick yourself back up and shake yourself off to reset. Those days can wear you out and those nights can leave you feeling so helpless and lost. But the thing about those days and nights is that you just need to pick yourself back up and realize that there have been better days. There have been good days.. and there will good days again.
It doesn't matter how far you've come in your recovery, or how long it's been since you've chosen the path of life you can still have bad days. It doesn't make you weak and it doesn't take away from everything that you've accomplished so far. You can be three years into recovery and have a bad night .. or a bad week. It doesn't make you a bad person for struggling. It doesn't make you a failure because you're having a hard time.
There isn't an outline for when you're going to be recovered. There's no set date from when you started to when you're done. It's a personal journey, and whatever feelings you face along the way are vaild. Whatever bad days you encounter and whatever obstacles are placed in your path, you will overcome them all on you own time.
Recovery is not a hit or miss. It's not a pass or fail. There is no right or wrong. It's simply a path that we choose to take in order to better ourselves and find ourselves. Recovery is not living with an eating disorder, it's choosing to live dispite our mental illness. It's choosing to live dispite what the voice in our head tells us.
Part of recovering is embracing the bad days and building on them. Bad days are going to happen, its what you do with them that decides where you go next. Life isn't about what happens to you on a day to day basis. Your life is built around how you've handled every situation and obstacle... Recovery is the same thing. How you deal with your bad days, will determine how good, your good days are.
Saturday, October 10, 2015
Recovery & Fitness
There have been so many people recently on the recovery networks that I'm a part of that are posting things about how fitness posts and fitness accomplishments have nothing to do with your recovery. That by choosing the lifestyle that consists of healthy eating and working out you're still listening to the voice in your head that controlled you for so many years.
Yes there are probably people out there that use it as an outlet, and that use it in an unhealthy manner. But for every person that uses it to help their ED there is one that uses it as a release of the negative energy that builds up inside. There is one that uses the gym as an outlet, and uses it so that they can visually see their strength.
The gym isn't something that i've turned to in order to control my food intake and calories burned. It's not something that i've used to change what i'm constantly thinking about. It's what was there when nothing else was. It's the thing that was there when I needed something to turn to. Something to help release all of the negative thoughts that built up inside. There are bad days and there are good days when it comes to recovery, and on those bad days it's in the gym that i see how far i've come and how much i've conquered.
Choosing this lifestyle wasn't switching from one addiction to another. It was about choosing life and choosing strength.
So for everyone in the networks that think that posting fitness pictures and transformation pictures isn't what recovery looks like.. you need to sit back and think about what you're really saying. Just because someone chooses a different path to find themselves and to accept themselves and everything that they are does not mean that their way is not valid. Your recovery journey is not the only way.
We all have our own journey. By telling someone that their chosen path to recovery isn't the right one could hit someone the wrong way and send them back down the dark path that we both know isn't the way we want to travel.
Yes there are probably people out there that use it as an outlet, and that use it in an unhealthy manner. But for every person that uses it to help their ED there is one that uses it as a release of the negative energy that builds up inside. There is one that uses the gym as an outlet, and uses it so that they can visually see their strength.
The gym isn't something that i've turned to in order to control my food intake and calories burned. It's not something that i've used to change what i'm constantly thinking about. It's what was there when nothing else was. It's the thing that was there when I needed something to turn to. Something to help release all of the negative thoughts that built up inside. There are bad days and there are good days when it comes to recovery, and on those bad days it's in the gym that i see how far i've come and how much i've conquered.
Choosing this lifestyle wasn't switching from one addiction to another. It was about choosing life and choosing strength.
So for everyone in the networks that think that posting fitness pictures and transformation pictures isn't what recovery looks like.. you need to sit back and think about what you're really saying. Just because someone chooses a different path to find themselves and to accept themselves and everything that they are does not mean that their way is not valid. Your recovery journey is not the only way.
We all have our own journey. By telling someone that their chosen path to recovery isn't the right one could hit someone the wrong way and send them back down the dark path that we both know isn't the way we want to travel.
Wednesday, October 7, 2015
Recovery and the Holidays
The Holidays can be one of the most stressful times whether you're in Recovery or still struggling. I know for me they have always been stressful for about a week to two weeks leading up to the holiday ... the actual day.. and then the week after.
What makes it harder is when you have more than one family that is celebrating them and you can either go to one or several. Being able to make it through the holidays is something that I have almost never been able to do without a minor relapse, simply because there is so much food and so many people and it sends me into some sort of overdrive or shock.
I've read so many articles on how to make it through the holidays.. and they all say the same thing. Make sure you have people that you can talk to, have your coping methods, etc. But that can only go so far. There are only so many things that you can do, and so many things that you can try.. and sometimes it doesn't always work. There is always going to be people that you can talk to.. the people that have helped you get to where you are today but the difference is, you've heard the same things over and over again. There comes a time when it just sounds like a broken record and it doesn't help anymore.
Every year i've managed to avoid the holidays completely or be around no more than 6 people with all of the people knowing and understanding where I stand. But this year it's different. This year there's going to be more than just 6 people... and only one of them will understand where I stand. It's almost terrifying to think that there are going to be people that don't understand how stressful it is, and that won't understand what it's like to see so much food all at once .. and so many foods that i swore i would never touch all at once.
Part of me wants to pretend that i'm sick and just skip the whole holiday all together. Call it quits and skip the holiday. Part of me doesn't want to face it all.
But the other part of me wants to face it. The other part of me wants to take it head on and fight it through.
The only struggle is.. if i decide to take it on and fight it through, I could end up back in that place where I don't want to be. That minor relapse, the anxiety that overwhelms and takes over every part of me for a week.
I could google and look up article after article about how to make it through the holidays .. but none of them will help. None of them are going to take it away for good. None of them are going to fix it or make it go away.
I hate the holidays.. and I can't wait until they're over.
What makes it harder is when you have more than one family that is celebrating them and you can either go to one or several. Being able to make it through the holidays is something that I have almost never been able to do without a minor relapse, simply because there is so much food and so many people and it sends me into some sort of overdrive or shock.
I've read so many articles on how to make it through the holidays.. and they all say the same thing. Make sure you have people that you can talk to, have your coping methods, etc. But that can only go so far. There are only so many things that you can do, and so many things that you can try.. and sometimes it doesn't always work. There is always going to be people that you can talk to.. the people that have helped you get to where you are today but the difference is, you've heard the same things over and over again. There comes a time when it just sounds like a broken record and it doesn't help anymore.
Every year i've managed to avoid the holidays completely or be around no more than 6 people with all of the people knowing and understanding where I stand. But this year it's different. This year there's going to be more than just 6 people... and only one of them will understand where I stand. It's almost terrifying to think that there are going to be people that don't understand how stressful it is, and that won't understand what it's like to see so much food all at once .. and so many foods that i swore i would never touch all at once.
Part of me wants to pretend that i'm sick and just skip the whole holiday all together. Call it quits and skip the holiday. Part of me doesn't want to face it all.
But the other part of me wants to face it. The other part of me wants to take it head on and fight it through.
The only struggle is.. if i decide to take it on and fight it through, I could end up back in that place where I don't want to be. That minor relapse, the anxiety that overwhelms and takes over every part of me for a week.
I could google and look up article after article about how to make it through the holidays .. but none of them will help. None of them are going to take it away for good. None of them are going to fix it or make it go away.
I hate the holidays.. and I can't wait until they're over.
Thursday, July 2, 2015
July 2nd 2015
Recently I've been getting a lot of questions as to why I won't do a fitness competition or why I haven't done one before because "you'd be good at it" or "you would only have to cut". It's hard to explain to people that cutting isn't the easiest thing when you've been where I was.
Restricting so many different things isn't the easiest or smartest thing to do when everyday is a battle with yourself to eat and make healthy choices. It's hard enough some days to eat breakfast let alone to weigh every single thing you eat and track every calorie burnt off and eaten through out the day in order to prep for a competition.
I've thought about it before... But when it comes to thinking about it for me. It's more or less if i'm mentally stable enough in order to commit to that kind of prep for that long.
And to be honest, i'm not and I may never be.
There are still so many days that I struggle with how much I eat.. even if i'm not tracking it. There are still so many days that I can't sleep at night because in the back of my mind i'm trying to figure it all out. No their aren't as many as there were before, and they get farther and farther apart with time but they do happen.
And I've come to a point where I understand that they will happen. It's just a matter of getting past them and moving onto the next day without it interfering and taking over. I'm where I am today because of where I was 3 years ago or even 6 years ago.
All i've thought about was being able to wake up and look at myself in the morning without breaking down... and everyday to me that's an accomplishment in itself. As long as I have that, I don't need a spray tan, a bikini , and heels in order to feel like i've accomplished something.
Restricting so many different things isn't the easiest or smartest thing to do when everyday is a battle with yourself to eat and make healthy choices. It's hard enough some days to eat breakfast let alone to weigh every single thing you eat and track every calorie burnt off and eaten through out the day in order to prep for a competition.
I've thought about it before... But when it comes to thinking about it for me. It's more or less if i'm mentally stable enough in order to commit to that kind of prep for that long.
And to be honest, i'm not and I may never be.
There are still so many days that I struggle with how much I eat.. even if i'm not tracking it. There are still so many days that I can't sleep at night because in the back of my mind i'm trying to figure it all out. No their aren't as many as there were before, and they get farther and farther apart with time but they do happen.
And I've come to a point where I understand that they will happen. It's just a matter of getting past them and moving onto the next day without it interfering and taking over. I'm where I am today because of where I was 3 years ago or even 6 years ago.
All i've thought about was being able to wake up and look at myself in the morning without breaking down... and everyday to me that's an accomplishment in itself. As long as I have that, I don't need a spray tan, a bikini , and heels in order to feel like i've accomplished something.
Tuesday, June 30, 2015
Accepting your past
You wake up everyday and everything is the same as it was the day before. You look in the mirror and you see the same person that you've seen day after day, month after month, year after year. Except when you take a minute to look back on everything that's happened in your life you realize that everything is different.
There are some things you look back on and smile because you remember them as the best moments of your life. The ones that you wish you could just go back and live over and over again without any of the bad things in between.
Then there are some that you look back on and try to forget. You continue to try and forget that they were ever a part of your life. It could be one thing or it could be several.. It could be an entire year or even longer. There are always going to be those things that we wish didn't happen and that we didn't do.
The thing about your past is that no matter how many times you sit and think about it, you can't change it. You can't change the choices that you made or the things that came of them. You can't change the words you said and you can't take back anything. We all have skeletons in our closet that we try to hide from the world. Skeletons that linger in the back of our minds when we meet someone new because we're scared that they won't be able to accept our past.
But how do you expect someone else to accept your past when you can't accept it yourself? I've slowly been starting to realize that the things that i said and the things that i did in the past are simply that.. in the past. I can't change what I did yesterday and I sure as hell can't change what I did 6 years ago, but I can control what I do tomorrow and what i do right now.
Everyone you meet is going to have a past. Everyone you meet isn't going to b the same person that they were before. Just like you, they change. Just like you they regret things and wish that they would have done something differently. When you learn to accept that your past is your past and it doesn't make you a bad person you understand that someone else's past doesn't make them any more or less of a good person either.
I've realized that I need to accept my past, and understand that it is my past. That i have no control over what I did before and what choices I made before. I've realized that no matter how many mistakes i've made in my past, i've learned something from every one. I've taken something away from every mistake, and from that have started turning into the person that I want to be.
The more you dwell on your past mistakes, the longer it takes to become the person you want to be.
But the thing about accepting your past... is that you can't judge everyone else on theirs. You can't expect people to be judgement free about your past mistakes when you sit and point fingers at theirs. You have no say in someone else's decisions whether they are the past, present, or future. You don't know what they've taken away from their past, all you can do is accept them for everything that they are.
There are some things you look back on and smile because you remember them as the best moments of your life. The ones that you wish you could just go back and live over and over again without any of the bad things in between.
Then there are some that you look back on and try to forget. You continue to try and forget that they were ever a part of your life. It could be one thing or it could be several.. It could be an entire year or even longer. There are always going to be those things that we wish didn't happen and that we didn't do.
The thing about your past is that no matter how many times you sit and think about it, you can't change it. You can't change the choices that you made or the things that came of them. You can't change the words you said and you can't take back anything. We all have skeletons in our closet that we try to hide from the world. Skeletons that linger in the back of our minds when we meet someone new because we're scared that they won't be able to accept our past.
But how do you expect someone else to accept your past when you can't accept it yourself? I've slowly been starting to realize that the things that i said and the things that i did in the past are simply that.. in the past. I can't change what I did yesterday and I sure as hell can't change what I did 6 years ago, but I can control what I do tomorrow and what i do right now.
Everyone you meet is going to have a past. Everyone you meet isn't going to b the same person that they were before. Just like you, they change. Just like you they regret things and wish that they would have done something differently. When you learn to accept that your past is your past and it doesn't make you a bad person you understand that someone else's past doesn't make them any more or less of a good person either.
I've realized that I need to accept my past, and understand that it is my past. That i have no control over what I did before and what choices I made before. I've realized that no matter how many mistakes i've made in my past, i've learned something from every one. I've taken something away from every mistake, and from that have started turning into the person that I want to be.
The more you dwell on your past mistakes, the longer it takes to become the person you want to be.
But the thing about accepting your past... is that you can't judge everyone else on theirs. You can't expect people to be judgement free about your past mistakes when you sit and point fingers at theirs. You have no say in someone else's decisions whether they are the past, present, or future. You don't know what they've taken away from their past, all you can do is accept them for everything that they are.
Sunday, June 28, 2015
I get asked on a constant basis what keeps me motivated. How I can wake up early and go to the gym before work or go directly after work before I do anything else. It's hard to explain to people that don't know the whole story. People that don't know why I started going regularly and when this became more than just for a sport but a lifestyle.
Somedays it's a lot easier to get up and go to the gym than others. Some mornings I wake up and want to hit the snooze button 20 times and just call it quits. But then I remember why I started. I go back to where I was when I decided that my health was more important than anything else.
What keeps me motivated isn't a bunch of fitness models. It isn't being able to wear a bikini on a beach or fit into a certain pair of shorts. I don't do fitness competitions and I probably never will. What keeps me motivated and what keeps me going is going to be different than anyone else's... because it's my journey.
It's hard to explain to people that it's not just one thing that keeps me motivated but several. It's the feeling you get after a workout. It's the feeling you get when you walk into the gym or when you hit a new best. It's the feeling of being strong, stronger than you've ever been before. It's being able to do things that you couldn't do a year ago or even a week ago. It's being able to look in the mirror and not break down into tears. It's being able to eat cookies without freaking out. It's about not being the person that I was just over 3 years ago.
Sometimes it's not even about goals or bests... sometimes it's just straight therapy. The burn you feel in your muscles. The mental escape you get when you step up to the bar and turn your music up as your pre workout kicks in and sends goosebumps throughout your entire body.
Motivation can be found anywhere through out the day. It's hard to give an exact answer when people ask me. When people ask me what keeps me motivated so that they can use the same... when the truth is, You need to be your own motivation.
I look back on what got me started, and what I used for motivation when I first started... it was me. I needed someone to save me, so I saved myself.
Somedays it's a lot easier to get up and go to the gym than others. Some mornings I wake up and want to hit the snooze button 20 times and just call it quits. But then I remember why I started. I go back to where I was when I decided that my health was more important than anything else.
What keeps me motivated isn't a bunch of fitness models. It isn't being able to wear a bikini on a beach or fit into a certain pair of shorts. I don't do fitness competitions and I probably never will. What keeps me motivated and what keeps me going is going to be different than anyone else's... because it's my journey.
It's hard to explain to people that it's not just one thing that keeps me motivated but several. It's the feeling you get after a workout. It's the feeling you get when you walk into the gym or when you hit a new best. It's the feeling of being strong, stronger than you've ever been before. It's being able to do things that you couldn't do a year ago or even a week ago. It's being able to look in the mirror and not break down into tears. It's being able to eat cookies without freaking out. It's about not being the person that I was just over 3 years ago.
Sometimes it's not even about goals or bests... sometimes it's just straight therapy. The burn you feel in your muscles. The mental escape you get when you step up to the bar and turn your music up as your pre workout kicks in and sends goosebumps throughout your entire body.
Motivation can be found anywhere through out the day. It's hard to give an exact answer when people ask me. When people ask me what keeps me motivated so that they can use the same... when the truth is, You need to be your own motivation.
I look back on what got me started, and what I used for motivation when I first started... it was me. I needed someone to save me, so I saved myself.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)