Lately it's been pretty crazy.. mostly because it's almost like everything is starting to fall into place with what I want to do with my life. I just never thought that it would be this way. I never for a second thought that I would end up back in Windsor and excited to be moving back. I never thought for a second that it would feel this way.. this exciting and nerve wracking. All that i've ever wanted is to make into sports broadcasting and now that i'm on my way there and starting out it's weird that you're not here. It's weird that i'm moving back to windsor and I still won't be able to see you because you're gone. I miss you more everyday and I wish that you could see where I am now and where i'm headed because I know that you would be proud.
Everything has been crazy lately, but in a good way. It's crazy to think that the first person I told about it all falling together wasn't you... It's even more crazy to think about how you didn't even cross my mind at all when I found out. You used to be the first person to find out everything. You used to be the first person I would call for any little thing, and the first person for things like this. I always thought that when i got my first on air job in sports you would be there to share it with me, but it turns out you're not. It turns out you won't be here with me to share any of those kinds of things. As much as it's been over two years it's still weird to think about how much i've done without you. I used to not be able to picture us not together and now it's like I can't even picture how it ever even worked in the first place. Sure there are still times that I miss the way it used to be. I miss the way that we used to talk about everything. But i realize that people change and you're not that person anymore, and i'm not that person anymore... and maybe we just weren't as great as we thought back then.
Two years ago I could not have pictured my life like this. I could not have pictured things working out like this if i had tried. I've gone through hell the past two years trying to find myself and find a job in my field. I've been through hell trying to find peace within myself and put myself back together. It's crazy to think of how far i've come in the past two years... but it's crazier to think that if all of that can happen in two years, what can happen in two more?
I'm happy right now, and I'm excited to start my new job and move home. But there are still times that I wish I had someone to share it with. I used to think that was him.. but i was wrong. And that still holds me back from letting anyone else get close to me.. and I guess that's what I still need to work on. I've made my life revolve around me and not letting anyone get close to enough to get to know me. I'm still reluctant on letting people in because I let you in and you ruined everything you could. I'm at the point in my life where I can't keep shutting people out... but I'm still not confident that, that's going to end. I'm happy with my life and myself and where I am. I'm at peace with myself, but there are still hard days and it's those days that keep me from letting anyone get close.
Showing posts with label life update. Show all posts
Showing posts with label life update. Show all posts
Monday, September 8, 2014
Saturday, April 5, 2014
Two Years
I realize that I just
posted something about a month ago… but it’s been two years. Some would say
that the first little bit is the hardest to get through and it is. It’s hard
because you’re facing all of the things you pushed away for so long. You’re
fighting the voice in your head that is still stronger than ever. It’s hard to
let people in and open up to them because you’ve been hiding from it for so
long and lying about it. The beginning is hard… and it does get easier.
But there are still times that it’s hard all over again. It may be two years since I realized that I needed help but there have been several things that have set me back. It hasn’t been an easy two years, and it hasn’t been a cake walk at any time through out these past two years.
But there are still times that it’s hard all over again. It may be two years since I realized that I needed help but there have been several things that have set me back. It hasn’t been an easy two years, and it hasn’t been a cake walk at any time through out these past two years.
One of the hardest
things to get through was when he passed away. My grandfather was the only
person that didn’t make me feel like I had to be perfect… I already was to him.
I was already perfect; there was nothing to change and nothing to improve. If I
had been able to see myself the way he saw me things would have been different.
When he passed away, it was like everything froze. There wasn’t anything I
could do to make the voices stop from coming back… and there were times that I
couldn’t eat. It made it easier to make excuses… but it wasn’t overly long
before I realized what was happening and I got back on track. The thing about
recovery is being able to face your fears and accept yourself for who you are.
It’s not perfect and it’s not easy… sometimes you need to do things by yourself
and other times there will be people there to support you, but either way it’s
going to pass.
It’s been two years, and
thinking about it now it’s hard to imagine that the time has passed. This time
two years ago I couldn’t stomach anything without wanting to cry. Two years
ago, I was more worried about how many calories I was consuming rather than
what I was consuming. I was more worried about being perfect than being happy.
In the past two years
I’ve managed to mend so many different relationships… but most importantly my
relationship with myself. Two years is a huge milestone when it comes to
overcoming something you’ve battled with and fought with for years… but
everyday is another milestone.
Everyday I wake up and don’t push away food when I’m hungry.
Everyday I wake up and don’t push away food when I’m hungry.
Everyday when I look in
the mirror and don’t want to cry.
Everytime I open up to someone about I feel.
It’s not always the big things that matter… but the smaller things that you don’t think about as much.
Everytime I open up to someone about I feel.
It’s not always the big things that matter… but the smaller things that you don’t think about as much.
There are still so many
things that I have yet to be able to do, and there are still so many things
that make me think about the reasons I stayed quiet for so long. There are
things that people say that make me understand why I didn’t say anything... and
that make me want to continue to be quiet. For as many things that make me want
to crawl into a hole or under the covers and hide away from the world there are
just as many if not more that make me realize I need to speak up in order for
others to understand they aren’t alone.
Mental Illness isn’t something to joke about and
it’s not something that should be criticized. There are so many different types
of mental illness and yet people think that they aren’t there… that it’s just a
phase. If it were just a phase , I would have been over it years ago… years
before it got as bad as it did. If it had been just a phase I wouldn’t have
notebooks and journals filled with the things I couldn’t say out loud.
So what have I learned in the past two years...
-- Recovery isn't perfect and maybe you can't be "fully recovered". Maybe the fear of letting people get close enough to see the things you hid for so long will always be there... the fear that if they get too close it could trigger something may stay. But sometimes you need to let someone in, let go of the fear of being judged all over again, because they could surprise you. There are people that will judge you the way you thought they would.. but there are people that will surprise you and do the opposite. It's not perfect and even if it has been months or years there are still going to be hard days that you need someone to talk to. Just because it's been a certain amount of time doesn't mean that you're alone.
-- Most importantly... It wasn't my fault. I didn't choose it, but I did choose to better myself. I did choose to speak up and ask for help.
Monday, March 3, 2014
a year and 11 months --- Neda Awareness Week
Earlier this morning, I looked at the Calendar and realized that it's almost been two years. It's almost been two years since I realized that I needed help, almost 2 years since I opened up and talked to someone. I also realize that I'm a little late to the NEDA Awareness week, but I don't think that they should only have one week to raise awareness for something that so many people are silently fighting.
I still can't imagine where I would be right now if i hadn't of had that realization. Where I would be if certain people in my life hadn't been there to ask me what was going on. There are so many people that have stood by me throughout the past two years and have made the hard days a lot easier.
Nobody told me that it would be easy to get better. You don't wake up and have everything go back to normal, although I wish it had been that easy.
The past year and 11 months have been such a huge journey, and sometimes a huge struggle. It's gotten to the point that the hard days become harder to come by, and it's taken almost two years for that to happen. It has taken so much time, and so much out of me but i've never been happier than I am.
1 year and 11 months, and I couldn't imagine my life the way that it has turned out. It's a huge step to open and talk to someone.
I can't imagine how hard it was for people to hear the things that were going on. I can't imagine what it must have been like to see someone that they care about and that they've seen for so long go through something and destroy their body the way that I did. It's not something that is easy to understand. It's not something that I could even begin to explain how it works. But for the past two years there have been so many people that have been there at 3 am when I needed to talk or just didn't want to be alone. I've spent the past two years working on myself, and figuring out what I wanted and where I want to end up. I've spent the last two years learning to love myself again without wanting to change myself. I've spent the last two years learning to love food. I've spent the last two years learning that the number on the scale or the number on your jeans does not define who you are. And that was probably one of the hardest things that I had to teach myself after spending so long thinking that it was all that mattered.
It's been two years.
There are still hard days and there are still days that I don't want to get out of bed or do anything. There are still days that I want to put on a big sweater and huge sweatpants and just curl up in bed by myself. There are still those days where I consider skipping a meal. But it's on those days that I see just how far I've come in the past two years. It's learning how to deal with your triggers and learning how to move forward from the bad days.
It hasn't been a perfect two years, and sometimes it's still hard to talk about what i was going through and how I came to accept the fact that I needed help. But sometimes talking about it can help you deal with it in a new way... and you realize that people do care.
I still can't imagine where I would be right now if i hadn't of had that realization. Where I would be if certain people in my life hadn't been there to ask me what was going on. There are so many people that have stood by me throughout the past two years and have made the hard days a lot easier.
Nobody told me that it would be easy to get better. You don't wake up and have everything go back to normal, although I wish it had been that easy.
The past year and 11 months have been such a huge journey, and sometimes a huge struggle. It's gotten to the point that the hard days become harder to come by, and it's taken almost two years for that to happen. It has taken so much time, and so much out of me but i've never been happier than I am.
1 year and 11 months, and I couldn't imagine my life the way that it has turned out. It's a huge step to open and talk to someone.
I can't imagine how hard it was for people to hear the things that were going on. I can't imagine what it must have been like to see someone that they care about and that they've seen for so long go through something and destroy their body the way that I did. It's not something that is easy to understand. It's not something that I could even begin to explain how it works. But for the past two years there have been so many people that have been there at 3 am when I needed to talk or just didn't want to be alone. I've spent the past two years working on myself, and figuring out what I wanted and where I want to end up. I've spent the last two years learning to love myself again without wanting to change myself. I've spent the last two years learning to love food. I've spent the last two years learning that the number on the scale or the number on your jeans does not define who you are. And that was probably one of the hardest things that I had to teach myself after spending so long thinking that it was all that mattered.
It's been two years.
There are still hard days and there are still days that I don't want to get out of bed or do anything. There are still days that I want to put on a big sweater and huge sweatpants and just curl up in bed by myself. There are still those days where I consider skipping a meal. But it's on those days that I see just how far I've come in the past two years. It's learning how to deal with your triggers and learning how to move forward from the bad days.
It hasn't been a perfect two years, and sometimes it's still hard to talk about what i was going through and how I came to accept the fact that I needed help. But sometimes talking about it can help you deal with it in a new way... and you realize that people do care.
Monday, January 20, 2014
Time
Time goes by really quickly and I think that's something that we don't realize. We don't realize that everyday there is so many things that we could be doing to get closer to our goals and who we want to be. Every day there is opportunity to change your life. People think that weeks and months are a long way away, but they aren't. 24 hours goes by pretty quickly when you think about it ... 7 days even faster... I don't even want to think about how quickly a year passes.
There are so many things that you hope to do and wish to do in your lifetime, yet you spend so much time wasting away doing things that you hate. Working a job that makes you miserable and being with people that don't bring out the best in you.
Every once in a while, I think it's nice to stop from your routine and stop from being busy and just relax. Take a walk through the snow or take a walk in the rain and embrace your surroundings. Enjoy the blue sky or the rain drops hitting your skin. Listen to the way the snow crunches under your feet and just take a breather. Let the world slow down and let your brain take a break from the busyness of your life.
Sometimes it's nice to sit in a coffee shop alone and just watch the people around you. Make up stories about what they do and where they're from. What led them to this moment right now. Heck even start a random conversation.. you never know who you're going to meet or how they're going to effect your life.
Sometimes it's nice to sit in a coffee shop alone and just watch the people around you. Make up stories about what they do and where they're from. What led them to this moment right now. Heck even start a random conversation.. you never know who you're going to meet or how they're going to effect your life.
Time is something that we take for granted. We think that there is so much time in the world and we put everything off and we keep putting things off and eventually we run out of time. Eventually we end up with this list of things that we've always wanted to and never took the time to do. We make up excuses about how busy we are and that we don't have the time. Yet our lives are the longest thing that we have, so why not make the most of them?
I think the best thing that anyone can do for themselves is to not only have a good relationship with themselves and love themselves for everything that they are... but to embrace and enjoy the things around them. Embrace the small things in life... because even if you see them everyday, you're not really seeing them until you make the world slow down and actually look.
Saturday, January 18, 2014
Life Update
Haven't posted one of these on here .. and since I haven't posted in a while I figured I may as well.
It's crazy to think about how many things I had planned by now... and how many of them changed. It's crazy to see how one thing, one event can change so many things in your life. But the craziest part is probably how that one event can seem like everything is falling apart ... but it's actually the start of a whole new thing thats better than you could imagine.
Almost two years ago things happened in my life that I thought i wouldn't get through. I thought it was the end of the world and everything changed. Everything did change, but that was the only thing i was right about. They didn't change for the worse and I wasn't stuck. It felt like I was at the time, and sometimes it still feels that way. But there are ways out... There will be hard times no matter who you are or what your goals are. It's being able to get through those times that make you who you are get you that much closer to where you want to be.
Yeah I work non-stop and some of the jobs aren't really what I want to do... but i'm 21, and there are still so many opportunities coming my way. I get feedback from people that i've known my entire life and from people that i've met within the past couple of years and it's insane to see how much they follow the things that i've been doing. Graduating college and starting my career at 21 was scary... it was so scary that I went back to school for something else for no reason at all. Until I realized that it was okay to be scared... because it is. It's okay to get scared of the future... because you don't know what it holds for you. But it's not okay to run from it or hide from it. Sometimes you need to face the fear head on and overcome it.
I overcame the fear of the future and the fear of not knowing, and it's crazy to think of how many things that i've accomplished already.
Sometimes I wonder where I would be if things had happened differently... but then I realize that i'm glad they happened the way that they did. I stopped worrying about relationships and started putting myself first, and sometimes thats exactly what you need to do. I cut out all of the people that had negative thoughts towards my goals... and it will be those people that are kicking themselves in the butt when I make it.
Life is crazy, it's insane, and it's unpredictable ... There are times when it gets hard and there are times when you're on top of the world. But in the end it's all worth it. It's not about how many commas are on your paycheck or how much is in your bank account ... what matters is waking up every morning and realizing that you love your life and you love your job. Why spend hours upon hours working at something that doesn't make you happy... when you could be spending those hours working toward a goal that will give you the feeling of accomplishment and success.
Yes I still live with my parents and I'm still single and I work several different jobs ... but they're all building up to something to bigger. And just because i'm here right now, doesn't mean i always will be. I'm happy where I am right now... but that doesn't mean I don't want more.
It's crazy to think about how many things I had planned by now... and how many of them changed. It's crazy to see how one thing, one event can change so many things in your life. But the craziest part is probably how that one event can seem like everything is falling apart ... but it's actually the start of a whole new thing thats better than you could imagine.
Almost two years ago things happened in my life that I thought i wouldn't get through. I thought it was the end of the world and everything changed. Everything did change, but that was the only thing i was right about. They didn't change for the worse and I wasn't stuck. It felt like I was at the time, and sometimes it still feels that way. But there are ways out... There will be hard times no matter who you are or what your goals are. It's being able to get through those times that make you who you are get you that much closer to where you want to be.
Yeah I work non-stop and some of the jobs aren't really what I want to do... but i'm 21, and there are still so many opportunities coming my way. I get feedback from people that i've known my entire life and from people that i've met within the past couple of years and it's insane to see how much they follow the things that i've been doing. Graduating college and starting my career at 21 was scary... it was so scary that I went back to school for something else for no reason at all. Until I realized that it was okay to be scared... because it is. It's okay to get scared of the future... because you don't know what it holds for you. But it's not okay to run from it or hide from it. Sometimes you need to face the fear head on and overcome it.
I overcame the fear of the future and the fear of not knowing, and it's crazy to think of how many things that i've accomplished already.
Sometimes I wonder where I would be if things had happened differently... but then I realize that i'm glad they happened the way that they did. I stopped worrying about relationships and started putting myself first, and sometimes thats exactly what you need to do. I cut out all of the people that had negative thoughts towards my goals... and it will be those people that are kicking themselves in the butt when I make it.
Life is crazy, it's insane, and it's unpredictable ... There are times when it gets hard and there are times when you're on top of the world. But in the end it's all worth it. It's not about how many commas are on your paycheck or how much is in your bank account ... what matters is waking up every morning and realizing that you love your life and you love your job. Why spend hours upon hours working at something that doesn't make you happy... when you could be spending those hours working toward a goal that will give you the feeling of accomplishment and success.
Yes I still live with my parents and I'm still single and I work several different jobs ... but they're all building up to something to bigger. And just because i'm here right now, doesn't mean i always will be. I'm happy where I am right now... but that doesn't mean I don't want more.
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