Every once in a while I look back on where I was six years ago and I wonder how I ever let it get that bad. I look back and wonder how I ever let it get so bad and still managed to hide it all from everyone around me. I managed to hide everything.. I managed to make it so that everyone knew that I was okay. I look back on where I was three years ago and wonder how I got there. How I got to the point where I realized that I needed to get better.. that I couldn't keep going on the path that I was on. I wonder how I slipped up.. how people started noticing. I went so long hiding everything so well and then all of a sudden people could see something was off.
Did I drop signs without realizing it? Was I slowly reaching out for someone to ask me to tell them the truth everytime I said I was okay? What was it.

I look back on the times that I thought I was alone. The times that I didn't think that I could keep going. I look back on all the times that I layed in bed hoping that it would all just go away. I take so much time looking back and trying to figure everything out that sometimes I don't realize just how far i've come.

Three years ago everything fell apart. I had no idea where I was going or what I was going to do. I couldn't even look at myself without crying. I was less than 100 pounds and yet I still wasn't good enough ... but maybe It was me. It was all in my head. I wasn't good enough for me which made me think that I wasn't good enough at all.

Three years ago I chose to get better. I chose to get help and to reach out. Three years ago I was sitting on the bathroom floor in tears wanting to escape when in reality all I wanted was for someone to save me. All I wanted was to be one of those people that could look at themselves and not want to break down into tears. Three years ago I was sitting on the bathroom floor in tears, alone and wating to get out.

I never realized that I would. I did get out. Not in the way that I thought... but in a way that changed my life and changed who I am. I got out in a way that meant I could look at myself and look at what i've accomplished and be pleased. I got out in the way that I wasn't controlled by a number on a scale or a pair or shorts.

I look at pictures of the day that I chose to get better. The day that I chose that food shouldn't make me feel guilty and that Food shouldn't be the enemy. I look back at pictures of where I used to be.. and compare them to where I am now. And i'm literally amazed.

I'm amazed at how much you can accomplish in just three years. I'm amazed at how much can change when you understand that being skinny isn't the most important thing in the world. That having a thigh gap isn't important. I'm amazed at how much someone can change in the course of three years and I couldn't be more proud of myself.

3 years and 30 pounds.
It's taken me a while to get to where I am today. It's taken me a while to get to a point where I can be happy with myself and don't spend hours preparing myself for the anxiety that goes with eating in front of people. It took me years to get to where I'm at today. Sometimes i have bad days and it feels like everything is coming back, like its all crashing down around me. But that's the thing about recovery... it's not always easy but you have to keep choosing it, even on the bad days. 

April 14 2015 -- Update / Wk 2 Phase 2

I just started my next phase with my trainer Anthony (www.mackfitnesssolutions.com) and I couldn't feel better about my workouts and how things are going. I was so skeptical on getting an online trainer on whether or not I would be actually able to follow the workouts and if they would work. But I can honestly say that it's been the best choice that i've made for myself in a long time.

It's almost been three years since I decided to choose my health and decided that I needed help. Throughout the past three years i've still struggled so much to find a balance between my physical and mental health. I've also struggled to find a healthy relationship with food after restricting certain things and keeping track of every little thing from food to the amount of toothpaste i used. I started this year still with the same struggles that i've had for the past three years and managing to fight through them and talk myself out of ending up on a path that would lead me back to where I was.

These past couple of months working with a trainer has not only improved my physical health and strength but helped me build a healthier relationship with food and with myself. Three years ago I could list you 100 things I hated about myself in less than 5 minutes.. now it would probably take me 5 minutes to find one. The things that I spent hours and weeks focusing on that I wanted to change and that I hated about myself have turned into the things that I love the most.

I still have hard days. I still have days where I struggle with it.. and it's always going to be like that. But being able to wake up every morning knowing what i'm going to eat for breakfast , lunch, and dinner and still seeing the results that I want from my workouts and still seeing the changes makes me feel 100 percent better.

There have been so many people that have asked me why I pay for a trainer if i'm qualified on my own and i've been doing it for so long I should be able to do it on my own. Sure i can do it on my own. But not having to think about what i'm going to do that day or what workouts makes things easier. It makes it so that I can focus more on the mental aspect .. and work more on my mental health as well.

It took my 3 years to realize that being healthy isn't just about exercise. It's not just about going to the gym all the time or eating healthy. Because you can do all of those things and still look at yourself in the mirror and hate everything you see. You can do all of those things and still struggle to get through the day without breaking down into tears. (Which yes i've done). Being healthy is being able to do all of those things because you love your body and you love your health.. not because you hate it. I don't do it because I don't think i'm good enough or I don't think I look good. I do it because I love it. I love the way it feels to wake up sore from a workout. I love the way I feel when I leave the gym and I love the way I feel when I get there.