3 years.

In the past three years I have gone through so many ups and downs. I've had several break downs and thought i was falling back into the place where I was before. In the past three years i've wanted to give up.. throw in the towel and just let it take over.
But i've also learned what it's like to wake up and love yourself. I've learned what it's like to go out to eat with friends and family and not have food control everything. In the past three years i've managed to become someone that isn't constantly thinking about the calories going into my body. In the past three years i've rebuilt my thought process when it comes to food and health.

When I first chose Recovery, nobody said that it was going to be easy. There were people that stayed.. and those people I can't thank enough for how much they've done for me and how much they've managed to help me through the times I wanted to give up. But I also lost a lot of people. There were so many people that left. They left without a reason and without a second thought.

I used to use the people that left as motivation. To prove them wrong. To prove that I could do it .. that i could be better. Three years later i look at the people that have stuck by me and believed in me every step of the way and I do it for them. I do it to prove them right. To prove to them that they didn't stay to watch me fall apart all over again.

Three years ago I hated myself so much that i couldn't stand to look at myself without breaking down into tears. 7 years ago, I looked at myself in the mirror and thought about everything that I could change. Today I look at myself and I smile. Today i look back at where I was and it's hard to believe that I've come so far. Today I think back to the times that people would ask me if i'd eaten that day. I look back on the things I used to do.. the things I used to say to get people off my back about eating.

In the past three years i've gone from slowly gaining weight back to not restricting anything. To the mind set that if i said no to anything I would end up back where i was before. It wasn't until this year that, that mindset was broken. It's been three years. In three years i've broken down, i've thought about giving up and letting it take control. But when I look back on it... I'm glad i didn't.. because if i would have given up and let it take over, who knows where I would be now.

There are still so many things that I struggle with, and some days are harder than others.. but the thing about mental illness is that it's a daily battle. You don't wake up one day and it's gone. Some days are harder than others. Some days you don't want to get out of bed. Some days getting up and getting dressed is all I can manage. Somedays I go to bed early and just sleep because I want it to end, I want it to go away. But that doesn't mean that I'm falling back into where i was before. One day isn't going to cancel out what i've accomplished up to this point.

Three years have gone by. It seems like so much time.. but in the long run it's really just a short period. This is going to be the rest of my life. Three years is just the beginning.

April 14 2015 -- Update / Wk 2 Phase 2

I just started my next phase with my trainer Anthony (www.mackfitnesssolutions.com) and I couldn't feel better about my workouts and how things are going. I was so skeptical on getting an online trainer on whether or not I would be actually able to follow the workouts and if they would work. But I can honestly say that it's been the best choice that i've made for myself in a long time.

It's almost been three years since I decided to choose my health and decided that I needed help. Throughout the past three years i've still struggled so much to find a balance between my physical and mental health. I've also struggled to find a healthy relationship with food after restricting certain things and keeping track of every little thing from food to the amount of toothpaste i used. I started this year still with the same struggles that i've had for the past three years and managing to fight through them and talk myself out of ending up on a path that would lead me back to where I was.

These past couple of months working with a trainer has not only improved my physical health and strength but helped me build a healthier relationship with food and with myself. Three years ago I could list you 100 things I hated about myself in less than 5 minutes.. now it would probably take me 5 minutes to find one. The things that I spent hours and weeks focusing on that I wanted to change and that I hated about myself have turned into the things that I love the most.

I still have hard days. I still have days where I struggle with it.. and it's always going to be like that. But being able to wake up every morning knowing what i'm going to eat for breakfast , lunch, and dinner and still seeing the results that I want from my workouts and still seeing the changes makes me feel 100 percent better.

There have been so many people that have asked me why I pay for a trainer if i'm qualified on my own and i've been doing it for so long I should be able to do it on my own. Sure i can do it on my own. But not having to think about what i'm going to do that day or what workouts makes things easier. It makes it so that I can focus more on the mental aspect .. and work more on my mental health as well.

It took my 3 years to realize that being healthy isn't just about exercise. It's not just about going to the gym all the time or eating healthy. Because you can do all of those things and still look at yourself in the mirror and hate everything you see. You can do all of those things and still struggle to get through the day without breaking down into tears. (Which yes i've done). Being healthy is being able to do all of those things because you love your body and you love your health.. not because you hate it. I don't do it because I don't think i'm good enough or I don't think I look good. I do it because I love it. I love the way it feels to wake up sore from a workout. I love the way I feel when I leave the gym and I love the way I feel when I get there.

March 9 -- 1WK into new Program

Going into my second week with a trainer and I couldn't feel better about it. The nutrition and carb cycling is probably the hardest part, but everything else seems to be coming along easily. The workouts and being able to make it to the gym are fantastic.. and after the first week my body hasn't been completely and utterly in pain. I think the change in my diet combined with the new workout program sent my body into a shock and my muscles were not ready for it.
Now that it's been a little bit over a week i'm slowly starting to see some progress as well as feel it. The better i feel and the more minor progressions that I see in myself, the more excited I am to keep going and to continue in order to reach my goal.

I spent the first month and a half of this year going back and forth with the mindset of how I used to be. My workouts were slowly going downhill and my nutrition was a mild combination of bingeing and not eating enough of anything let alone what I actually needed. I was stressed and I couldn't concentrate on things. But I've managed to get things back on track, and now working with Anthony for this past week and a bit i've managed to pull myself back together and out of where I was slowly starting to fall back into.

It's just as much of a mental thing as it is a physical thing.. and I can't wait to reach my goals both physically and mentally.