3 years.

In the past three years I have gone through so many ups and downs. I've had several break downs and thought i was falling back into the place where I was before. In the past three years i've wanted to give up.. throw in the towel and just let it take over.
But i've also learned what it's like to wake up and love yourself. I've learned what it's like to go out to eat with friends and family and not have food control everything. In the past three years i've managed to become someone that isn't constantly thinking about the calories going into my body. In the past three years i've rebuilt my thought process when it comes to food and health.

When I first chose Recovery, nobody said that it was going to be easy. There were people that stayed.. and those people I can't thank enough for how much they've done for me and how much they've managed to help me through the times I wanted to give up. But I also lost a lot of people. There were so many people that left. They left without a reason and without a second thought.

I used to use the people that left as motivation. To prove them wrong. To prove that I could do it .. that i could be better. Three years later i look at the people that have stuck by me and believed in me every step of the way and I do it for them. I do it to prove them right. To prove to them that they didn't stay to watch me fall apart all over again.

Three years ago I hated myself so much that i couldn't stand to look at myself without breaking down into tears. 7 years ago, I looked at myself in the mirror and thought about everything that I could change. Today I look at myself and I smile. Today i look back at where I was and it's hard to believe that I've come so far. Today I think back to the times that people would ask me if i'd eaten that day. I look back on the things I used to do.. the things I used to say to get people off my back about eating.

In the past three years i've gone from slowly gaining weight back to not restricting anything. To the mind set that if i said no to anything I would end up back where i was before. It wasn't until this year that, that mindset was broken. It's been three years. In three years i've broken down, i've thought about giving up and letting it take control. But when I look back on it... I'm glad i didn't.. because if i would have given up and let it take over, who knows where I would be now.

There are still so many things that I struggle with, and some days are harder than others.. but the thing about mental illness is that it's a daily battle. You don't wake up one day and it's gone. Some days are harder than others. Some days you don't want to get out of bed. Some days getting up and getting dressed is all I can manage. Somedays I go to bed early and just sleep because I want it to end, I want it to go away. But that doesn't mean that I'm falling back into where i was before. One day isn't going to cancel out what i've accomplished up to this point.

Three years have gone by. It seems like so much time.. but in the long run it's really just a short period. This is going to be the rest of my life. Three years is just the beginning.

March 9 -- 1WK into new Program

Going into my second week with a trainer and I couldn't feel better about it. The nutrition and carb cycling is probably the hardest part, but everything else seems to be coming along easily. The workouts and being able to make it to the gym are fantastic.. and after the first week my body hasn't been completely and utterly in pain. I think the change in my diet combined with the new workout program sent my body into a shock and my muscles were not ready for it.
Now that it's been a little bit over a week i'm slowly starting to see some progress as well as feel it. The better i feel and the more minor progressions that I see in myself, the more excited I am to keep going and to continue in order to reach my goal.

I spent the first month and a half of this year going back and forth with the mindset of how I used to be. My workouts were slowly going downhill and my nutrition was a mild combination of bingeing and not eating enough of anything let alone what I actually needed. I was stressed and I couldn't concentrate on things. But I've managed to get things back on track, and now working with Anthony for this past week and a bit i've managed to pull myself back together and out of where I was slowly starting to fall back into.

It's just as much of a mental thing as it is a physical thing.. and I can't wait to reach my goals both physically and mentally.

October 15 / 2014

I don't even know how long it's been exactly since I decided to choose the path to Recovery and leaving the negative thoughts in the past where they belong. It's been a while and even though it has been quite some time I can't say that it's been perfect. I can't say that there aren't struggles and that there aren't nights that I don't think about the past.
There are still times that those negative thoughts creep back into my mind. Maybe they'll always be in the back of my mind, or maybe it just takes more time. I guess thats the thing about Mental Illness... it's always there.

The other night I was looking back at pictures that I had once liked ... and I've already changed so much in the short time since i've chosen to recover. Not only just in the fact that i'm happier, but the fact that i'm healthy. I'm healthier than I have ever been ... not only physically but mentally.

I've realized that progress comes slowly and that it takes time. But I've also realized that gaining weight isn't a bad thing. That eating isn't something that should be earned. I've realized that the number on a scale doesn't define self worth. The number on your jeans doesn't define whether or not you're going to be successful in life.

What defines you is what you do for yourself. What defines you are the things that you're passionate about. What defines you is you. Nobody else can decide what your worth or how well you're going to do in your future endeavours... Nobody can decide where you're going to end up. You control your own destiny.. and it has absolutely nothing to do with your size.