July 2nd 2015

Recently I've been getting a lot of questions as to why I won't do a fitness competition or why I haven't done one before because "you'd be good at it" or "you would only have to cut". It's hard to explain to people that cutting isn't the easiest thing when you've been where I was.

Restricting so many different things isn't the easiest or smartest thing to do when everyday is a battle with yourself to eat and make healthy choices. It's hard enough some days to eat breakfast let alone to weigh every single thing you eat and track every calorie burnt off and eaten through out the day in order to prep for a competition.

I've thought about it before... But when it comes to thinking about it for me. It's more or less if i'm mentally stable enough in order to commit to that kind of prep for that long.

And to be honest, i'm not and I may never be.
There are still so many days that I struggle with how much I eat.. even if i'm not tracking it. There are still so many days that I can't sleep at night because in the back of my mind i'm trying to figure it all out. No their aren't as many as there were before, and they get farther and farther apart with time but they do happen.

And I've come to a point where I understand that they will happen. It's just a matter of getting past them and moving onto the next day without it interfering and taking over. I'm where I am today because of where I was 3 years ago or even 6 years ago.

All i've thought about was being able to wake up and look at myself in the morning without breaking down... and everyday to me that's an accomplishment in itself. As long as I have that, I don't need a spray tan, a bikini , and heels in order to feel like i've accomplished something.

Accepting your past

You wake up everyday and everything is the same as it was the day before. You look in the mirror and you see the same person that  you've seen day after day, month after month, year after year. Except when you take a minute to look back on everything that's happened in your life you realize that everything is different.

There are some things you look back on and smile because you remember them as the best moments of your life. The ones that you wish you could just go back and live over and over again without any of the bad things in between.
Then there are some that you look back on and try to forget. You continue to try and forget that they were ever a part of your life. It could be one thing or it could be several.. It could be an entire year or even longer. There are always going to be those things that we wish didn't happen and that we didn't do.

The thing about your past is that no matter how many times you sit and think about it, you can't change it. You can't change the choices that you made or the things that came of them. You can't change the words you said and you can't take back anything. We all have skeletons in our closet that we try to hide from the world. Skeletons that linger in the back of our minds when we meet someone new because we're scared that they won't be able to accept our past.

But how do you expect someone else to accept your past when you can't accept it yourself? I've slowly been starting to realize that the things that i said and the things that i did in the past are simply that.. in the past. I can't change what I did yesterday and I sure as hell can't change what I did 6 years ago, but I can control what I do tomorrow and what i do right now.

Everyone you meet is going to have a past. Everyone you meet isn't going to b the same person that they were before. Just like you, they change. Just like you they regret things and wish that they would have done something differently. When you learn to accept that your past is your past and it doesn't make you a bad person you understand that someone else's past doesn't make them any more or less of a good person either.

I've realized that I need to accept my past, and understand that it is my past. That i have no control over what I did before and what choices I made before. I've realized that no matter how many mistakes i've made in my past, i've learned something from every one. I've taken something away from every mistake, and from that have started turning into the person that I want to be.

The more you dwell on your past mistakes, the longer it takes to become the person you want to be.

But the thing about accepting your past... is that you can't judge everyone else on theirs. You can't expect people to be judgement free about your past mistakes when you sit and point fingers at theirs. You have no say in someone else's decisions whether they are the past, present, or future. You don't know what they've taken away from their past, all you can do is accept them for everything that they are.

I get asked on a constant basis what keeps me motivated. How I can wake up early and go to the gym before work or go directly after work before I do anything else. It's hard to explain to people that don't know the whole story. People that don't know why I started going regularly and when this became more than just for a sport but a lifestyle.

Somedays it's a lot easier to get up and go to the gym than others. Some mornings I wake up and want to hit the snooze button 20 times and just call it quits. But then I remember why I started. I go back to where I was when I decided that my health was more important than anything else.

What keeps me motivated isn't a bunch of fitness models. It isn't being able to wear a bikini on a beach or fit into a certain pair of shorts. I don't do fitness competitions and I probably never will. What keeps me motivated and what keeps me going is going to be different than anyone else's... because it's my journey.

It's hard to explain to people that it's not just one thing that keeps me motivated but several. It's the feeling you get after a workout. It's the feeling you get when you walk into the gym or when you hit a new best. It's the feeling of being strong, stronger than you've ever been before. It's being able to do things that you couldn't do a year ago or even a week ago. It's being able to look in the mirror and not break down into tears. It's being able to eat cookies without freaking out. It's about not being the person that I was just over 3 years ago.
Sometimes it's not even about goals or bests... sometimes it's just straight therapy. The burn you feel in your muscles. The mental escape you get when you step up to the bar and turn your music up as your pre workout kicks in and sends goosebumps throughout your entire body.

Motivation can be found anywhere through out the day. It's hard to give an exact answer when people ask me. When people ask me what keeps me motivated so that they can use the same... when the truth is, You need to be your own motivation.

I look back on what got me started, and what I used for motivation when I first started... it was me. I needed someone to save me, so I saved myself.

Every once in a while I look back on where I was six years ago and I wonder how I ever let it get that bad. I look back and wonder how I ever let it get so bad and still managed to hide it all from everyone around me. I managed to hide everything.. I managed to make it so that everyone knew that I was okay. I look back on where I was three years ago and wonder how I got there. How I got to the point where I realized that I needed to get better.. that I couldn't keep going on the path that I was on. I wonder how I slipped up.. how people started noticing. I went so long hiding everything so well and then all of a sudden people could see something was off.
Did I drop signs without realizing it? Was I slowly reaching out for someone to ask me to tell them the truth everytime I said I was okay? What was it.

I look back on the times that I thought I was alone. The times that I didn't think that I could keep going. I look back on all the times that I layed in bed hoping that it would all just go away. I take so much time looking back and trying to figure everything out that sometimes I don't realize just how far i've come.

Three years ago everything fell apart. I had no idea where I was going or what I was going to do. I couldn't even look at myself without crying. I was less than 100 pounds and yet I still wasn't good enough ... but maybe It was me. It was all in my head. I wasn't good enough for me which made me think that I wasn't good enough at all.

Three years ago I chose to get better. I chose to get help and to reach out. Three years ago I was sitting on the bathroom floor in tears wanting to escape when in reality all I wanted was for someone to save me. All I wanted was to be one of those people that could look at themselves and not want to break down into tears. Three years ago I was sitting on the bathroom floor in tears, alone and wating to get out.

I never realized that I would. I did get out. Not in the way that I thought... but in a way that changed my life and changed who I am. I got out in a way that meant I could look at myself and look at what i've accomplished and be pleased. I got out in the way that I wasn't controlled by a number on a scale or a pair or shorts.

I look at pictures of the day that I chose to get better. The day that I chose that food shouldn't make me feel guilty and that Food shouldn't be the enemy. I look back at pictures of where I used to be.. and compare them to where I am now. And i'm literally amazed.

I'm amazed at how much you can accomplish in just three years. I'm amazed at how much can change when you understand that being skinny isn't the most important thing in the world. That having a thigh gap isn't important. I'm amazed at how much someone can change in the course of three years and I couldn't be more proud of myself.

3 years and 30 pounds.
It's taken me a while to get to where I am today. It's taken me a while to get to a point where I can be happy with myself and don't spend hours preparing myself for the anxiety that goes with eating in front of people. It took me years to get to where I'm at today. Sometimes i have bad days and it feels like everything is coming back, like its all crashing down around me. But that's the thing about recovery... it's not always easy but you have to keep choosing it, even on the bad days. 

3 years.

In the past three years I have gone through so many ups and downs. I've had several break downs and thought i was falling back into the place where I was before. In the past three years i've wanted to give up.. throw in the towel and just let it take over.
But i've also learned what it's like to wake up and love yourself. I've learned what it's like to go out to eat with friends and family and not have food control everything. In the past three years i've managed to become someone that isn't constantly thinking about the calories going into my body. In the past three years i've rebuilt my thought process when it comes to food and health.

When I first chose Recovery, nobody said that it was going to be easy. There were people that stayed.. and those people I can't thank enough for how much they've done for me and how much they've managed to help me through the times I wanted to give up. But I also lost a lot of people. There were so many people that left. They left without a reason and without a second thought.

I used to use the people that left as motivation. To prove them wrong. To prove that I could do it .. that i could be better. Three years later i look at the people that have stuck by me and believed in me every step of the way and I do it for them. I do it to prove them right. To prove to them that they didn't stay to watch me fall apart all over again.

Three years ago I hated myself so much that i couldn't stand to look at myself without breaking down into tears. 7 years ago, I looked at myself in the mirror and thought about everything that I could change. Today I look at myself and I smile. Today i look back at where I was and it's hard to believe that I've come so far. Today I think back to the times that people would ask me if i'd eaten that day. I look back on the things I used to do.. the things I used to say to get people off my back about eating.

In the past three years i've gone from slowly gaining weight back to not restricting anything. To the mind set that if i said no to anything I would end up back where i was before. It wasn't until this year that, that mindset was broken. It's been three years. In three years i've broken down, i've thought about giving up and letting it take control. But when I look back on it... I'm glad i didn't.. because if i would have given up and let it take over, who knows where I would be now.

There are still so many things that I struggle with, and some days are harder than others.. but the thing about mental illness is that it's a daily battle. You don't wake up one day and it's gone. Some days are harder than others. Some days you don't want to get out of bed. Some days getting up and getting dressed is all I can manage. Somedays I go to bed early and just sleep because I want it to end, I want it to go away. But that doesn't mean that I'm falling back into where i was before. One day isn't going to cancel out what i've accomplished up to this point.

Three years have gone by. It seems like so much time.. but in the long run it's really just a short period. This is going to be the rest of my life. Three years is just the beginning.

April 14 2015 -- Update / Wk 2 Phase 2

I just started my next phase with my trainer Anthony (www.mackfitnesssolutions.com) and I couldn't feel better about my workouts and how things are going. I was so skeptical on getting an online trainer on whether or not I would be actually able to follow the workouts and if they would work. But I can honestly say that it's been the best choice that i've made for myself in a long time.

It's almost been three years since I decided to choose my health and decided that I needed help. Throughout the past three years i've still struggled so much to find a balance between my physical and mental health. I've also struggled to find a healthy relationship with food after restricting certain things and keeping track of every little thing from food to the amount of toothpaste i used. I started this year still with the same struggles that i've had for the past three years and managing to fight through them and talk myself out of ending up on a path that would lead me back to where I was.

These past couple of months working with a trainer has not only improved my physical health and strength but helped me build a healthier relationship with food and with myself. Three years ago I could list you 100 things I hated about myself in less than 5 minutes.. now it would probably take me 5 minutes to find one. The things that I spent hours and weeks focusing on that I wanted to change and that I hated about myself have turned into the things that I love the most.

I still have hard days. I still have days where I struggle with it.. and it's always going to be like that. But being able to wake up every morning knowing what i'm going to eat for breakfast , lunch, and dinner and still seeing the results that I want from my workouts and still seeing the changes makes me feel 100 percent better.

There have been so many people that have asked me why I pay for a trainer if i'm qualified on my own and i've been doing it for so long I should be able to do it on my own. Sure i can do it on my own. But not having to think about what i'm going to do that day or what workouts makes things easier. It makes it so that I can focus more on the mental aspect .. and work more on my mental health as well.

It took my 3 years to realize that being healthy isn't just about exercise. It's not just about going to the gym all the time or eating healthy. Because you can do all of those things and still look at yourself in the mirror and hate everything you see. You can do all of those things and still struggle to get through the day without breaking down into tears. (Which yes i've done). Being healthy is being able to do all of those things because you love your body and you love your health.. not because you hate it. I don't do it because I don't think i'm good enough or I don't think I look good. I do it because I love it. I love the way it feels to wake up sore from a workout. I love the way I feel when I leave the gym and I love the way I feel when I get there.

March 28 2015

I spent years restricting foods that i deemed bad for myself. I spent years hating myself and trying to find a way to make myself "perfect". I spent years with this image in my head of what perfection was. One of the main things that I spent hours upon hours looking at and trying to hide was my stomach. I never deemed it good enough. I would spend hours upon hours picking out clothes that would hide the things that i hated most... which meant i wore sweaters and layers everyday to hide the one thing that I hated most. It's been almost 3 years to the date that I hit a wall and realized that I needed help. In the past three years i've gone through phases where I love my stomach and hate my stomach at the same time. I've gone through phases where I cover it up and hide it for the simple fact it's the only part that I wish that I could change. It's been almost 6 weeks. It's been almost 6 weeks since I decided to hire an online trainer and work towards getting my abs and a toned stomach. I had spent so long restricting myself of things that when I decided to recover I refused to restrict myself from anything... which wasn't helping me in anyway at all. Overall health isn't about restricting foods, it's about eating towards your goals and treating yourself. It's about embracing your body and the changes that it's making. There are so many things have changed in the past 6 weeks... not only has my body changed due to the workouts and my nutrition. But my thought process has changed. I've broken out of the fear of getting hurt again in a race, and signed up for a 5k in May. I've decided that i'm not going to let the fear of hurting my knee, or my hip, or my ankles again hold me back. I've decided to not let the fear of falling back into where I was hold me back from things. There has been so many times that I was scared to try new things, try new meal plans, or even new workouts because of the chance that i could relapse and end up back to where I was. It took so long for me to realize that I've grown so much from where I was three years ago. That i've been able to fight this for years. I've come to realize that the fear that I have in the back of my mind is what will keep me going and what will keep pushing towards a healthier lifestyle and not falling back into the place where I once was.
The pride that I have in myself each and everyday after my workouts is something that nobody can take away from me. The pride that I have in myself for overcoming the things that I've been through is something that nobody can ever take away from me. The amount of confidence that I've been able to build for myself is something that I continue to work on everyday. I've learned to put myself first and that loving yourself not selfish. We're told so many times that loving yourself and putting yourself first is selfish that nobody does. Nobody takes the time to take care of themselves first... and thats something that I will continue to work on, because when it comes down to it... you need to take care of yourself in order to be able to take care of someone else.

 I look at myself in the mirror and I smile. I look at myself in the mirror and I love what I see. Three years ago it was a completely different story. Three years ago I looked at myself in the mirror and broke down into tears. Three years ago I looked at myself in the mirror, and sat on the floor in utter disgust. I look at myself now, I look at where I am and what i've accomplished and I look back on where I was and the road that I was on... and I thank the people that left and I thank the people that stayed because without those people... I wouldn't be here. I don't know where I would be... I may have continued on that path... and then I wouldn't even be here at all. I'm a fighter.. I'm a survivor.. and I'll never stop fighting, because the second you stop fighting the voices in your head is the second that they win. I refuse to lose. I refuse to go back to where I was and I'll do whatever it takes to never go back to that thought process.