Lately it's been pretty crazy.. mostly because it's almost like everything is starting to fall into place with what I want to do with my life. I just never thought that it would be this way. I never for a second thought that I would end up back in Windsor and excited to be moving back. I never thought for a second that it would feel this way.. this exciting and nerve wracking. All that i've ever wanted is to make into sports broadcasting and now that i'm on my way there and starting out it's weird that you're not here. It's weird that i'm moving back to windsor and I still won't be able to see you because you're gone. I miss you more everyday and I wish that you could see where I am now and where i'm headed because I know that you would be proud.
Everything has been crazy lately, but in a good way. It's crazy to think that the first person I told about it all falling together wasn't you... It's even more crazy to think about how you didn't even cross my mind at all when I found out. You used to be the first person to find out everything. You used to be the first person I would call for any little thing, and the first person for things like this. I always thought that when i got my first on air job in sports you would be there to share it with me, but it turns out you're not. It turns out you won't be here with me to share any of those kinds of things. As much as it's been over two years it's still weird to think about how much i've done without you. I used to not be able to picture us not together and now it's like I can't even picture how it ever even worked in the first place. Sure there are still times that I miss the way it used to be. I miss the way that we used to talk about everything. But i realize that people change and you're not that person anymore, and i'm not that person anymore... and maybe we just weren't as great as we thought back then.
Two years ago I could not have pictured my life like this. I could not have pictured things working out like this if i had tried. I've gone through hell the past two years trying to find myself and find a job in my field. I've been through hell trying to find peace within myself and put myself back together. It's crazy to think of how far i've come in the past two years... but it's crazier to think that if all of that can happen in two years, what can happen in two more?
I'm happy right now, and I'm excited to start my new job and move home. But there are still times that I wish I had someone to share it with. I used to think that was him.. but i was wrong. And that still holds me back from letting anyone else get close to me.. and I guess that's what I still need to work on. I've made my life revolve around me and not letting anyone get close to enough to get to know me. I'm still reluctant on letting people in because I let you in and you ruined everything you could. I'm at the point in my life where I can't keep shutting people out... but I'm still not confident that, that's going to end. I'm happy with my life and myself and where I am. I'm at peace with myself, but there are still hard days and it's those days that keep me from letting anyone get close.
