2014

2014 is slowly coming to an end, and it still feels like it should be march or april still. It's hard to believe that another twelve months has already passed. It feels like I haven't accomplished anything that would put my closer to my future goals.. So i had to really sit down and think about the things I did over the past 12 months.. and the things I plan to do through out 2015.

I started off the year working with a Lacrosse company and writing for a Hockey blog and ended the year back home in Windsor working a couple of different jobs and financially still in the same situation. Which is why it doesn't feel like i've moved overly much in the forward direction rather than just a side step. But when I really think about it... What i was doing at the start of year may have been within the media field but wasn't going to get me on the track to where I want to be. By moving back to Windsor and working with Windsor-Essex TV i'm getting the on air experience that I need in order to work towards my future goals. It's an accomplishment alone to have these opportunities here; even though there is still so far for me to go.

If you would have told me 12 months ago that I would be moving back to Windsor and doing what I am, I wouldn't have believed you. If you would have told me that even six months ago I probably would have laughed at you. A lot can happen in 12 months, it's a long time.. and it's because of that, that we don't realize the small accomplishments that we make. We don't piece together all of the little things that add up, so we feel like we've done nothing.

Heading into 2015, there are so many things that I have planned and so many things that I want to accomplish that it's going to be a busy year. Hopefully they can start to come together at the start of the year so that I won't be in the same place financially and i'll be able to be comfortable and not stressing out about how much I'm making all the time. Hopefully I won't have to work three jobs, and i'll be able to take some time off for myself.

There's so many people that think it's easy to just get a job out of college or university and work and be able to move out and live on your own. Meanwhile we get out of school with this huge debt, and barely any opportunities available unless you're willing to work for free. Finding my first paying broadcasting job was hard enough. Sure it's casual and i have to have other things on the side... but it's working my way there and getting to the point where it will be full time.

2015 Is going to be my year. It's going to be the year that things start to fall more into place. I can feel it and I can see it happening. Not just because I have the hope that it will, but because it's No Days Off. I'm working on it now.. before it's hear and getting ahead of the game. There's no sense in waiting for a new year when you already know what you want. If you haven't accomplished your goal yet, than there is still work that needs to be done.

2014 is already over in my mind .. it's 2015 and it's time to put in the work.

October 15 / 2014

I don't even know how long it's been exactly since I decided to choose the path to Recovery and leaving the negative thoughts in the past where they belong. It's been a while and even though it has been quite some time I can't say that it's been perfect. I can't say that there aren't struggles and that there aren't nights that I don't think about the past.
There are still times that those negative thoughts creep back into my mind. Maybe they'll always be in the back of my mind, or maybe it just takes more time. I guess thats the thing about Mental Illness... it's always there.

The other night I was looking back at pictures that I had once liked ... and I've already changed so much in the short time since i've chosen to recover. Not only just in the fact that i'm happier, but the fact that i'm healthy. I'm healthier than I have ever been ... not only physically but mentally.

I've realized that progress comes slowly and that it takes time. But I've also realized that gaining weight isn't a bad thing. That eating isn't something that should be earned. I've realized that the number on a scale doesn't define self worth. The number on your jeans doesn't define whether or not you're going to be successful in life.

What defines you is what you do for yourself. What defines you are the things that you're passionate about. What defines you is you. Nobody else can decide what your worth or how well you're going to do in your future endeavours... Nobody can decide where you're going to end up. You control your own destiny.. and it has absolutely nothing to do with your size.

Life Update / 100th Post

Lately it's been pretty crazy.. mostly because it's almost like everything is starting to fall into place with what I want to do with my life. I just never thought that it would be this way. I never for a second thought that I would end up back in Windsor and excited to be moving back. I never thought for a second that it would feel this way.. this exciting and nerve wracking. All that i've ever wanted is to make into sports broadcasting and now that i'm on my way there and starting out it's weird that you're not here. It's weird that i'm moving back to windsor and I still won't be able to see you because you're gone. I miss you more everyday and I wish that you could see where I am now and where i'm headed because I know that you would be proud.

Everything has been crazy lately, but in a good way. It's crazy to think that the first person I told about it all falling together wasn't you... It's even more crazy to think about how you didn't even cross my mind at all when I found out. You used to be the first person to find out everything. You used to be the first person I would call for any little thing, and the first person for things like this. I always thought that when i got my first on air job in sports you would be there to share it with me, but it turns out you're not. It turns out you won't be here with me to share any of those kinds of things. As much as it's been over two years it's still weird to think about how much i've done without you. I used to not be able to picture us not together and now it's like I can't even picture how it ever even worked in the first place. Sure there are still times that I miss the way it used to be. I miss the way that we used to talk about everything. But i realize that people change and you're not that person anymore, and i'm not that person anymore... and maybe we just weren't as great as we thought back then.

Two years ago I could not have pictured my life like this. I could not have pictured things working out like this if i had tried. I've gone through hell the past two years trying to find myself and find a job in my field. I've been through hell trying to find peace within myself and put myself back together. It's crazy to think of how far i've come in the past two years... but it's crazier to think that if all of that can happen in two years, what can happen in two more?

I'm happy right now, and I'm excited to start my new job and move home. But there are still times that I wish I had someone to share it with. I used to think that was him.. but i was wrong. And that still holds me back from letting anyone else get close to me.. and I guess that's what I still need to work on. I've made my life revolve around me and not letting anyone get close to enough to get to know me. I'm still reluctant on letting people in because I let you in and you ruined everything you could. I'm at the point in my life where I can't keep shutting people out... but I'm still not confident that, that's going to end. I'm happy with my life and myself and where I am. I'm at peace with myself, but there are still hard days and it's those days that keep me from letting anyone get close. 

Hurricanes move to 2 and 0

The Hamilton Hurricanes hosted the Windsor AKO Fratmen in their 2014 home opener Saturday night. The Hurricanes and Fratmen have quite the history and quite the rivalry that would lead to a penalty filled contest.

AKO was the first to put up points after Kicker Steven Schott kicked a 42-yard field goal in the first quarter. That would be the only successful field goal attempt for the Fratmen, as Schott would only pick up singles for the duration of the game. Hamilton’s Danny Cerino on the other hand was successful on both attempts.

Ending the first quarter tied at three, the game was still up for grabs. Hamilton’s Adam Christopher put the first touchdown of the game on the board and gave the Hurricanes the lead. Hamilton held the lead for the rest of the game, and managed to put in a second touchdown with under a minute to go in the game. The Hurricane’s second touchdown would come from Shawn Ward to make the final score 22-6.

This is just the first time that these two teams will meet in the regular season as Hamilton will head to Windsor in the middle of September. Coach Hayes says that this was AKO’s first game of the season and the Canes still have some things to work on early in the season, but he’s pleased to be 2-0 and proud of the guys for how they played Saturday afternoon.

Hamilton will look to keep their winning streak alive as they head to Twin  Cities this weekend to take on the Predators. 

Hurricanes Blow Through Braves

The Hamilton Hurricanes kicked off their season on a high note in Burlington. Hamilton may have had a slower start but after half time they were in full force and as much as Burlington put up a fight it was no match for the Canes.

Hamilton took the lead early after the Braves gave up a safety, but it wasn’t long before they made it onto the board themselves as well. In the second quarter Burlington took the lead, but it would be the only time the Braves would lead throughout the game as the ended the first half up 19-12.

Head Coach Jay Hayes said, “At halftime we just stressed the importance of knowing our assignments. We made a number of errors in the first half and we were only down 7.”

The second half the Hurricanes came out strong and ready to take back the lead. After forcing the Braves to punt, Jason Ledonne blocked the punt and recovered the ball for the Canes; which would the comeback. That was just the beginning, as the Hurricanes would find the end zone a couple more times, and almost managing to hold the Braves off completely in the third.

After a 70 yard run and a couple of flags the Braves found their way into the end zone to put up some points and end the third 33-26.

The final 15 would see just one more touchdown from the Canes, as they would take home the WIN with a 40-26 final score. Next weekend the Hamilton Hurricanes host Windsor AKO in their home opener. Coach Hayes says that in order to beat AKO next week they will need to limit both the penalties and mistakes. Kick off is scheduled for 4pm at Cardinal Newman high school in Stoney Creek.

Two Years

I realize that I just posted something about a month ago… but it’s been two years. Some would say that the first little bit is the hardest to get through and it is. It’s hard because you’re facing all of the things you pushed away for so long. You’re fighting the voice in your head that is still stronger than ever. It’s hard to let people in and open up to them because you’ve been hiding from it for so long and lying about it. The beginning is hard… and it does get easier.

But there are still times that it’s hard all over again. It may be two years since I realized that I needed help but there have been several things that have set me back. It hasn’t been an easy two years, and it hasn’t been a cake walk at any time through out these past two years.

One of the hardest things to get through was when he passed away. My grandfather was the only person that didn’t make me feel like I had to be perfect… I already was to him. I was already perfect; there was nothing to change and nothing to improve. If I had been able to see myself the way he saw me things would have been different. When he passed away, it was like everything froze. There wasn’t anything I could do to make the voices stop from coming back… and there were times that I couldn’t eat. It made it easier to make excuses… but it wasn’t overly long before I realized what was happening and I got back on track. The thing about recovery is being able to face your fears and accept yourself for who you are. It’s not perfect and it’s not easy… sometimes you need to do things by yourself and other times there will be people there to support you, but either way it’s going to pass.

It’s been two years, and thinking about it now it’s hard to imagine that the time has passed. This time two years ago I couldn’t stomach anything without wanting to cry. Two years ago, I was more worried about how many calories I was consuming rather than what I was consuming. I was more worried about being perfect than being happy.

In the past two years I’ve managed to mend so many different relationships… but most importantly my relationship with myself. Two years is a huge milestone when it comes to overcoming something you’ve battled with and fought with for years… but everyday is another milestone.
Everyday I wake up and don’t push away food when I’m hungry.

Everyday when I look in the mirror and don’t want to cry.
Everytime I open up to someone about I feel.
It’s not always the big things that matter… but the smaller things that you don’t think about as much.

There are still so many things that I have yet to be able to do, and there are still so many things that make me think about the reasons I stayed quiet for so long. There are things that people say that make me understand why I didn’t say anything... and that make me want to continue to be quiet. For as many things that make me want to crawl into a hole or under the covers and hide away from the world there are just as many if not more that make me realize I need to speak up in order for others to understand they aren’t alone.  

Mental Illness isn’t something to joke about and it’s not something that should be criticized. There are so many different types of mental illness and yet people think that they aren’t there… that it’s just a phase. If it were just a phase , I would have been over it years ago… years before it got as bad as it did. If it had been just a phase I wouldn’t have notebooks and journals filled with the things I couldn’t say out loud.

So what have I learned in the past two years... 

-- Recovery isn't perfect and maybe you can't be "fully recovered". Maybe the fear of letting people get close enough to see the things you hid for so long will always be there... the fear that if they get too close it could trigger something may stay. But sometimes you need to let someone in, let go of the fear of being judged all over again, because they could surprise you. There are people that will judge you the way you thought they would.. but there are people that will surprise you and do the opposite. It's not perfect and even if it has been months or years there are still going to be hard days that you need someone to talk to. Just because it's been a certain amount of time doesn't mean that you're alone.

-- Most importantly... It wasn't my fault. I didn't choose it, but I did choose to better myself. I did choose to speak up and ask for help. 

April 4 2014

I never thought about what It would be like to have you gone. The thought you may not be here one day never once crossed my mind and now that you're not here it crosses my mind everyday. The fact I can't call and see how you are or go to Windsor and just sit and drink coffee and watch golf with you eats away at me.
Today I turned 22 and it's not the same without you here. Nothing will ever quite be the same now that you're gone.
It never crossed my mind that it would actually happen and it's been a couple of months and it's still hard to wrap my head around the fact that you weren't going to be here forever.
It's hard to be happy knowing that you're not here. That there aren't going to be anymore walks along the river and getting French fries. No more lessons and talks about random things.
It's hard to be happy when I can't come over and share it with you.
It's hard to be happy even though I know you would want me to be.

All I want this year is for you to be back .. Maybe my birthday wish is a little out of reach, but it might be the only thing that could make everything be okay. As much as my birthday has been incredible, in the back of my mind you're still there, and all I can think about is what it would be like to tell you about my trip and see the smile on your face as I spill detail after detail ... and that's what hurts the most.
I can't tell you everything, I can't show you pictures of it ... and I can't share fries by the river.

All I want for my birthday is to have you back ... I wasn't ready to say good bye. 

NY Jets - QB Situation

Mark Sanchez headed into NY and helped turn the Jets around in both his rookie and sophomore seasons, but after becoming the king of turnovers soon became the bud of everyone’s jokes.

Last season there was a lot of confusion with who would end up being the starting QB for the Jets... could Sanchez keep his starting title or would the rookie Geno Smith come in and take the name. Geno started the season with the Jets due to a shoulder injury for Sanchez… and the Jets seemed to be turning things around once again. They managed to turn around their 6-10 season from the year before… but still couldn’t make their way into playoffs for the third straight year.

Not long after announcing the news of releasing the master of turnovers, they announced the signing of Michael Vick. Vick’s contract is a one-year deal, and he’ll have the chance to battle for the starting position with Geno Smith.

Vicks got quite the experience compared to Smith… and Smith couldn’t have learned overly much from his partner last season other than what not to do; but he still managed to make a name for himself. He could end up on the list of lengthy QB’s that went downhill after their rookie season… but on the other side of things the signing of Vick could give him that extra push.

Personally I’d love to see Smith make it through training camp and end up the starter. He may have had a couple of rough games last season but what can you expect when you’re under someone like Sanchez that peaked and then hit the wall hard before falling apart?

I’m still waiting for Rex Ryan to end up on the chopping block. It takes more than a couple players to miss the playoffs three years in a row. I mean take a look at the lions… they went 0-16, made SEVERAL changes and now they’re quite the competitors in the NFC North and are giving teams a run for their money. Sure it took them another two pretty rough seasons before making the playoffs… but after rebuilding they’re now a strong team and quite the competitors.