For the longest time I hid all of the things that went through my head. I hid everything and it put me into the worst moods. Being that moody can literally make anything and everything set me off and i literally go crazy. I get mad for no reason. I get mad because it adds on to the things that are already eating my apart. I hid everything and it tore apart so many relationships. It tore so many things apart and burnt so many bridges simply because I didn't know how to talk about it and I didn't want to.
I've slowly been learning that I can't do that. I can't keep hiding all of the things that go through my head. I can't just push them aside like they aren't there.. Because thats when they add up and come back all at once. That's when they come back full force and hit me like a train. I can't push them aside, but i also can't hide them. I can't sit back and just figure out how to deal with them on my own.
I slowly destroyed a lot of relationships.. and I can't do that anymore. I can't hide the things that go through my head on a bad day. It's terrifying and it's heartbreaking to open up about them.. because you see the look in people's eyes and how much it hurts them to hear the things that go through your head.. but it helps you.
Bad days are going to happen... maybe a couple in a row or just one every once in a while but it's apart of recovery. The hardest part of the bad days is that in recovery you can't listen to the things your ed tells you. You can't go back to how it used to be to make things go away. But the whole part of recovery is understanding that there are people that love you and there are people that care. Even if it's just one person that you decide to talk to .. you need to open up and express how you feel and whats going on. Recovery isn't just about getting back to a healthy weight. Recovery is about learning how to love yourself and learning how to do things that your ed never allowed you to do.
Talking to people and opening up them is hard and it takes time to get used to. Maybe i'll never get used to and it might take time to get things out of me.. but i'm trying and that's really all any of us can do.
