January 2015

Looking back on this month , I can honestly say that it was successful. This month was a crazy win. Not only did I have a great news years and new years eve but I started a new job. Sure i'm super busy, but you get out of life what you put into it. There are so many people that have told me that I need to live more and go out and have fun because you're only 22 once. But honestly.. why wait? Why wait until you're 25 or 26 to start working towards your dreams. Start now. Start today.. start young and get ahead of the game. This year I told myself that 2015 would be all about the grind. I've worked my ass off for the past couple of years gaining back weight and getting to know myself. Understanding what I want out of life and who I want to be... now it's time to make it happen.
Yes there have been days that i've been so tired i'm not sure how i'm going it through the end of the day, and there are days that i get home and pass out from pure exhaustion. It's those days that I sit back and wonder if i can actually do it. It's those days that I really need to sit down and think about what I want to do in life and how bad i want to make it. In the end the fact that I want to succeed always out weighs the cons of the amount of work that needs to be put in.
It's only the end of January and I can already see so many possibilities and opportunities coming my way for this year. I made so many goals the start of December, and this is only the beginning of achieving those goals. I don't care how many people think i'm insane for working 3 jobs, or crazy for spending all of my free time working towards the bigger picture. It doesn't matter how many times I get told to live a little ... that i'm only young once;; Because if you don't do the work when you're young, you'll end up in your thirties and not know where to go. You'll be the one that's 29 or 32 that's still thinking about where you could be. The people that are successful are the ones that start young. That know what they want in life and go for it.

Jan 22 / 2015

There have been so many times that i've sat and looked back on how far i've come since the day I decided that I needed help and opened up to someone. There have been days that i've looked back and wondered how I managed to do it, and wondered if I was really as sick as I had thought. But then I look back on the pictures and things that I had written and I wonder how nobody ever asked if anything was wrong. How nobody noticed that I was slowly ruining my body. I look back on pictures and remember the decisions that I made and wonder how the people that I was friends with never noticed. How they never noticed my destructive behaviour.

There are so many times that I look back and think about how far i've come, but it wasn't until this week that I really put myself back into that mind frame. The reason I was destroying myself, and the reason why I decided to get help. It wasn't until this week that I really thought about what was going through my head at the time and how much i've changed through out the past couple of years.

People do change, you may not see it right away, and you might be stuck in the mind set of who they used to be so you pre judge them... but people change. People change because of the things they struggle with in silence. They change and they grow because of the different battles they face daily.

I've been told so many times throughout the years that what I struggled with and what I battled didn't make me weak. It didn't make me a bad person that I fell so far off the path. It doesn't make me a bad person that I spent years hating myself and destroying myself. It's taken me years to realize that the things that you go through don't make you a bad or a good person.. what does is how you deal with them. It's taken me a while to realize that it wasn't my fault and that mental illness isn't something you choose for yourself. I chose recovery... I didn't choose an illness.