Recovery & The Bad Days

When it comes to Recovery there isn't a schedule of how it all plays out. There's no set plan that tells you when you're going to be okay and when you're going to struggle. Everything is on a day to day basis and it can be overwhelming and exhausting.

There are going to be days that you don't want to get out of bed. That you just want to curl up in a ball and just give up because the voice in your head is so overpowering that you can't tune it out anymore.
There are going to be nights that you lay awake and think about everything. You lay there calculating every little thing, until you go insane. There are going to be nights that you can't pick yourself up off the floor because it's all coming back... worse than it was before.
Those days and those nights are going to make you feel like you've failed. That you can't do it.. that recovery isn't for you.

As time goes on, those days are farther apart. Those nights come less often... and on some you're even able to pick yourself back up and shake yourself off to reset. Those days can wear you out and those nights can leave you feeling so helpless and lost. But the thing about those days and nights is that you just need to pick yourself back up and realize that there have been better days. There have been good days.. and there will good days again.

It doesn't matter how far you've come in your recovery, or how long it's been since you've chosen the path of life you can still have bad days. It doesn't make you weak and it doesn't take away from everything that you've accomplished so far. You can be three years into recovery and have a bad night .. or a bad week. It doesn't make you a bad person for struggling. It doesn't make you a failure because you're having a hard time.

There isn't an outline for when you're going to be recovered. There's no set date from when you started to when you're done. It's a personal journey, and whatever feelings you face along the way are vaild. Whatever bad days you encounter and whatever obstacles are placed in your path, you will overcome them all on you own time.

Recovery is not a hit or miss. It's not a pass or fail. There is no right or wrong. It's simply a path that we choose to take in order to better ourselves and find ourselves. Recovery is not living with an eating disorder, it's choosing to live dispite our mental illness. It's choosing to live dispite what the voice in our head tells us.

Part of recovering is embracing the bad days and building on them. Bad days are going to happen, its what you do with them that decides where you go next. Life isn't about what happens to you on a day to day basis. Your life is built around how you've handled every situation and obstacle... Recovery is the same thing. How you deal with your bad days, will determine how good, your good days are.

Recovery & Fitness

There have been so many people recently on the recovery networks that I'm a part of that are posting things about how fitness posts and fitness accomplishments have nothing to do with your recovery. That by choosing the lifestyle that consists of healthy eating and working out you're still listening to the voice in your head that controlled you for so many years.

Yes there are probably people out there that use it as an outlet, and that use it in an unhealthy manner. But for every person that uses it to help their ED there is one that uses it as a release of the negative energy that builds up inside. There is one that uses the gym as an outlet, and uses it so that they can visually see their strength.

The gym isn't something that i've turned to in order to control my food intake and calories burned. It's not something that i've used to change what i'm constantly thinking about. It's what was there when nothing else was. It's the thing that was there when I needed something to turn to. Something to help release all of the negative thoughts that built up inside. There are bad days and there are good days when it comes to recovery, and on those bad days it's in the gym that i see how far i've come and how much i've conquered.

Choosing this lifestyle wasn't switching from one addiction to another. It was about choosing life and choosing strength.

So for everyone in the networks that think that posting fitness pictures and transformation pictures isn't what recovery looks like.. you need to sit back and think about what you're really saying. Just because someone chooses a different path to find themselves and to accept themselves and everything that they are does not mean that their way is not valid. Your recovery journey is not the only way.

We all have our own journey. By telling someone that their chosen path to recovery isn't the right one could hit someone the wrong way and send them back down the dark path that we both know isn't the way we want to travel.

Recovery and the Holidays

The Holidays can be one of the most stressful times whether you're in Recovery or still struggling. I know for me they have always been stressful for about a week to two weeks leading up to the holiday ... the actual day.. and then the week after.

What makes it harder is when you have more than one family that is celebrating them and you can either go to one or several. Being able to make it through the holidays is something that I have almost never been able to do without a minor relapse, simply because there is so much food and so many people and it sends me into some sort of overdrive or shock.

I've read so many articles on how to make it through the holidays.. and they all say the same thing. Make sure you have people that you can talk to, have your coping methods, etc. But that can only go so far. There are only so many things that you can do, and so many things that you can try.. and sometimes it doesn't always work. There is always going to be people that you can talk to.. the people that have helped you get to where you are today but the difference is, you've heard the same things over and over again. There comes a time when it just sounds like a broken record and it doesn't help anymore.

Every year i've managed to avoid the holidays completely or be around no more than 6 people with all of the people knowing and understanding where I stand. But this year it's different. This year there's going to be more than just 6 people... and only one of them will understand where I stand. It's almost terrifying to think that there are going to be people that don't understand how stressful it is, and that won't understand what it's like to see so much food all at once .. and so many foods that i swore i would never touch all at once.

Part of me wants to pretend that i'm sick and just skip the whole holiday all together. Call it quits and skip the holiday. Part of me doesn't want to face it all.
But the other part of me wants to face it. The other part of me wants to take it head on and fight it through.
The only struggle is.. if i decide to take it on and fight it through, I could end up back in that place where I don't want to be. That minor relapse, the anxiety that overwhelms and takes over every part of me for a week.

I could google and look up article after article about how to make it through the holidays .. but none of them will help. None of them are going to take it away for good. None of them are going to fix it or make it go away.

I hate the holidays.. and I can't wait until they're over.