Two Years

I realize that I just posted something about a month ago… but it’s been two years. Some would say that the first little bit is the hardest to get through and it is. It’s hard because you’re facing all of the things you pushed away for so long. You’re fighting the voice in your head that is still stronger than ever. It’s hard to let people in and open up to them because you’ve been hiding from it for so long and lying about it. The beginning is hard… and it does get easier.

But there are still times that it’s hard all over again. It may be two years since I realized that I needed help but there have been several things that have set me back. It hasn’t been an easy two years, and it hasn’t been a cake walk at any time through out these past two years.

One of the hardest things to get through was when he passed away. My grandfather was the only person that didn’t make me feel like I had to be perfect… I already was to him. I was already perfect; there was nothing to change and nothing to improve. If I had been able to see myself the way he saw me things would have been different. When he passed away, it was like everything froze. There wasn’t anything I could do to make the voices stop from coming back… and there were times that I couldn’t eat. It made it easier to make excuses… but it wasn’t overly long before I realized what was happening and I got back on track. The thing about recovery is being able to face your fears and accept yourself for who you are. It’s not perfect and it’s not easy… sometimes you need to do things by yourself and other times there will be people there to support you, but either way it’s going to pass.

It’s been two years, and thinking about it now it’s hard to imagine that the time has passed. This time two years ago I couldn’t stomach anything without wanting to cry. Two years ago, I was more worried about how many calories I was consuming rather than what I was consuming. I was more worried about being perfect than being happy.

In the past two years I’ve managed to mend so many different relationships… but most importantly my relationship with myself. Two years is a huge milestone when it comes to overcoming something you’ve battled with and fought with for years… but everyday is another milestone.
Everyday I wake up and don’t push away food when I’m hungry.

Everyday when I look in the mirror and don’t want to cry.
Everytime I open up to someone about I feel.
It’s not always the big things that matter… but the smaller things that you don’t think about as much.

There are still so many things that I have yet to be able to do, and there are still so many things that make me think about the reasons I stayed quiet for so long. There are things that people say that make me understand why I didn’t say anything... and that make me want to continue to be quiet. For as many things that make me want to crawl into a hole or under the covers and hide away from the world there are just as many if not more that make me realize I need to speak up in order for others to understand they aren’t alone.  

Mental Illness isn’t something to joke about and it’s not something that should be criticized. There are so many different types of mental illness and yet people think that they aren’t there… that it’s just a phase. If it were just a phase , I would have been over it years ago… years before it got as bad as it did. If it had been just a phase I wouldn’t have notebooks and journals filled with the things I couldn’t say out loud.

So what have I learned in the past two years... 

-- Recovery isn't perfect and maybe you can't be "fully recovered". Maybe the fear of letting people get close enough to see the things you hid for so long will always be there... the fear that if they get too close it could trigger something may stay. But sometimes you need to let someone in, let go of the fear of being judged all over again, because they could surprise you. There are people that will judge you the way you thought they would.. but there are people that will surprise you and do the opposite. It's not perfect and even if it has been months or years there are still going to be hard days that you need someone to talk to. Just because it's been a certain amount of time doesn't mean that you're alone.

-- Most importantly... It wasn't my fault. I didn't choose it, but I did choose to better myself. I did choose to speak up and ask for help. 

April 4 2014

I never thought about what It would be like to have you gone. The thought you may not be here one day never once crossed my mind and now that you're not here it crosses my mind everyday. The fact I can't call and see how you are or go to Windsor and just sit and drink coffee and watch golf with you eats away at me.
Today I turned 22 and it's not the same without you here. Nothing will ever quite be the same now that you're gone.
It never crossed my mind that it would actually happen and it's been a couple of months and it's still hard to wrap my head around the fact that you weren't going to be here forever.
It's hard to be happy knowing that you're not here. That there aren't going to be anymore walks along the river and getting French fries. No more lessons and talks about random things.
It's hard to be happy when I can't come over and share it with you.
It's hard to be happy even though I know you would want me to be.

All I want this year is for you to be back .. Maybe my birthday wish is a little out of reach, but it might be the only thing that could make everything be okay. As much as my birthday has been incredible, in the back of my mind you're still there, and all I can think about is what it would be like to tell you about my trip and see the smile on your face as I spill detail after detail ... and that's what hurts the most.
I can't tell you everything, I can't show you pictures of it ... and I can't share fries by the river.

All I want for my birthday is to have you back ... I wasn't ready to say good bye.