For the longest time I hid all of the things that went through my head. I hid everything and it put me into the worst moods. Being that moody can literally make anything and everything set me off and i literally go crazy. I get mad for no reason. I get mad because it adds on to the things that are already eating my apart. I hid everything and it tore apart so many relationships. It tore so many things apart and burnt so many bridges simply because I didn't know how to talk about it and I didn't want to.
I've slowly been learning that I can't do that. I can't keep hiding all of the things that go through my head. I can't just push them aside like they aren't there.. Because thats when they add up and come back all at once. That's when they come back full force and hit me like a train. I can't push them aside, but i also can't hide them. I can't sit back and just figure out how to deal with them on my own.
I slowly destroyed a lot of relationships.. and I can't do that anymore. I can't hide the things that go through my head on a bad day. It's terrifying and it's heartbreaking to open up about them.. because you see the look in people's eyes and how much it hurts them to hear the things that go through your head.. but it helps you.
Bad days are going to happen... maybe a couple in a row or just one every once in a while but it's apart of recovery. The hardest part of the bad days is that in recovery you can't listen to the things your ed tells you. You can't go back to how it used to be to make things go away. But the whole part of recovery is understanding that there are people that love you and there are people that care. Even if it's just one person that you decide to talk to .. you need to open up and express how you feel and whats going on. Recovery isn't just about getting back to a healthy weight. Recovery is about learning how to love yourself and learning how to do things that your ed never allowed you to do.
Talking to people and opening up them is hard and it takes time to get used to. Maybe i'll never get used to and it might take time to get things out of me.. but i'm trying and that's really all any of us can do.
Monday, November 2, 2015
Tuesday, October 13, 2015
Recovery & The Bad Days
When it comes to Recovery there isn't a schedule of how it all plays out. There's no set plan that tells you when you're going to be okay and when you're going to struggle. Everything is on a day to day basis and it can be overwhelming and exhausting.
There are going to be days that you don't want to get out of bed. That you just want to curl up in a ball and just give up because the voice in your head is so overpowering that you can't tune it out anymore.
There are going to be nights that you lay awake and think about everything. You lay there calculating every little thing, until you go insane. There are going to be nights that you can't pick yourself up off the floor because it's all coming back... worse than it was before.
Those days and those nights are going to make you feel like you've failed. That you can't do it.. that recovery isn't for you.
As time goes on, those days are farther apart. Those nights come less often... and on some you're even able to pick yourself back up and shake yourself off to reset. Those days can wear you out and those nights can leave you feeling so helpless and lost. But the thing about those days and nights is that you just need to pick yourself back up and realize that there have been better days. There have been good days.. and there will good days again.
It doesn't matter how far you've come in your recovery, or how long it's been since you've chosen the path of life you can still have bad days. It doesn't make you weak and it doesn't take away from everything that you've accomplished so far. You can be three years into recovery and have a bad night .. or a bad week. It doesn't make you a bad person for struggling. It doesn't make you a failure because you're having a hard time.
There isn't an outline for when you're going to be recovered. There's no set date from when you started to when you're done. It's a personal journey, and whatever feelings you face along the way are vaild. Whatever bad days you encounter and whatever obstacles are placed in your path, you will overcome them all on you own time.
Recovery is not a hit or miss. It's not a pass or fail. There is no right or wrong. It's simply a path that we choose to take in order to better ourselves and find ourselves. Recovery is not living with an eating disorder, it's choosing to live dispite our mental illness. It's choosing to live dispite what the voice in our head tells us.
Part of recovering is embracing the bad days and building on them. Bad days are going to happen, its what you do with them that decides where you go next. Life isn't about what happens to you on a day to day basis. Your life is built around how you've handled every situation and obstacle... Recovery is the same thing. How you deal with your bad days, will determine how good, your good days are.
There are going to be days that you don't want to get out of bed. That you just want to curl up in a ball and just give up because the voice in your head is so overpowering that you can't tune it out anymore.
There are going to be nights that you lay awake and think about everything. You lay there calculating every little thing, until you go insane. There are going to be nights that you can't pick yourself up off the floor because it's all coming back... worse than it was before.
Those days and those nights are going to make you feel like you've failed. That you can't do it.. that recovery isn't for you.
As time goes on, those days are farther apart. Those nights come less often... and on some you're even able to pick yourself back up and shake yourself off to reset. Those days can wear you out and those nights can leave you feeling so helpless and lost. But the thing about those days and nights is that you just need to pick yourself back up and realize that there have been better days. There have been good days.. and there will good days again.
It doesn't matter how far you've come in your recovery, or how long it's been since you've chosen the path of life you can still have bad days. It doesn't make you weak and it doesn't take away from everything that you've accomplished so far. You can be three years into recovery and have a bad night .. or a bad week. It doesn't make you a bad person for struggling. It doesn't make you a failure because you're having a hard time.
There isn't an outline for when you're going to be recovered. There's no set date from when you started to when you're done. It's a personal journey, and whatever feelings you face along the way are vaild. Whatever bad days you encounter and whatever obstacles are placed in your path, you will overcome them all on you own time.
Recovery is not a hit or miss. It's not a pass or fail. There is no right or wrong. It's simply a path that we choose to take in order to better ourselves and find ourselves. Recovery is not living with an eating disorder, it's choosing to live dispite our mental illness. It's choosing to live dispite what the voice in our head tells us.
Part of recovering is embracing the bad days and building on them. Bad days are going to happen, its what you do with them that decides where you go next. Life isn't about what happens to you on a day to day basis. Your life is built around how you've handled every situation and obstacle... Recovery is the same thing. How you deal with your bad days, will determine how good, your good days are.
Saturday, October 10, 2015
Recovery & Fitness
There have been so many people recently on the recovery networks that I'm a part of that are posting things about how fitness posts and fitness accomplishments have nothing to do with your recovery. That by choosing the lifestyle that consists of healthy eating and working out you're still listening to the voice in your head that controlled you for so many years.
Yes there are probably people out there that use it as an outlet, and that use it in an unhealthy manner. But for every person that uses it to help their ED there is one that uses it as a release of the negative energy that builds up inside. There is one that uses the gym as an outlet, and uses it so that they can visually see their strength.
The gym isn't something that i've turned to in order to control my food intake and calories burned. It's not something that i've used to change what i'm constantly thinking about. It's what was there when nothing else was. It's the thing that was there when I needed something to turn to. Something to help release all of the negative thoughts that built up inside. There are bad days and there are good days when it comes to recovery, and on those bad days it's in the gym that i see how far i've come and how much i've conquered.
Choosing this lifestyle wasn't switching from one addiction to another. It was about choosing life and choosing strength.
So for everyone in the networks that think that posting fitness pictures and transformation pictures isn't what recovery looks like.. you need to sit back and think about what you're really saying. Just because someone chooses a different path to find themselves and to accept themselves and everything that they are does not mean that their way is not valid. Your recovery journey is not the only way.
We all have our own journey. By telling someone that their chosen path to recovery isn't the right one could hit someone the wrong way and send them back down the dark path that we both know isn't the way we want to travel.
Yes there are probably people out there that use it as an outlet, and that use it in an unhealthy manner. But for every person that uses it to help their ED there is one that uses it as a release of the negative energy that builds up inside. There is one that uses the gym as an outlet, and uses it so that they can visually see their strength.
The gym isn't something that i've turned to in order to control my food intake and calories burned. It's not something that i've used to change what i'm constantly thinking about. It's what was there when nothing else was. It's the thing that was there when I needed something to turn to. Something to help release all of the negative thoughts that built up inside. There are bad days and there are good days when it comes to recovery, and on those bad days it's in the gym that i see how far i've come and how much i've conquered.
Choosing this lifestyle wasn't switching from one addiction to another. It was about choosing life and choosing strength.
So for everyone in the networks that think that posting fitness pictures and transformation pictures isn't what recovery looks like.. you need to sit back and think about what you're really saying. Just because someone chooses a different path to find themselves and to accept themselves and everything that they are does not mean that their way is not valid. Your recovery journey is not the only way.
We all have our own journey. By telling someone that their chosen path to recovery isn't the right one could hit someone the wrong way and send them back down the dark path that we both know isn't the way we want to travel.
Wednesday, October 7, 2015
Recovery and the Holidays
The Holidays can be one of the most stressful times whether you're in Recovery or still struggling. I know for me they have always been stressful for about a week to two weeks leading up to the holiday ... the actual day.. and then the week after.
What makes it harder is when you have more than one family that is celebrating them and you can either go to one or several. Being able to make it through the holidays is something that I have almost never been able to do without a minor relapse, simply because there is so much food and so many people and it sends me into some sort of overdrive or shock.
I've read so many articles on how to make it through the holidays.. and they all say the same thing. Make sure you have people that you can talk to, have your coping methods, etc. But that can only go so far. There are only so many things that you can do, and so many things that you can try.. and sometimes it doesn't always work. There is always going to be people that you can talk to.. the people that have helped you get to where you are today but the difference is, you've heard the same things over and over again. There comes a time when it just sounds like a broken record and it doesn't help anymore.
Every year i've managed to avoid the holidays completely or be around no more than 6 people with all of the people knowing and understanding where I stand. But this year it's different. This year there's going to be more than just 6 people... and only one of them will understand where I stand. It's almost terrifying to think that there are going to be people that don't understand how stressful it is, and that won't understand what it's like to see so much food all at once .. and so many foods that i swore i would never touch all at once.
Part of me wants to pretend that i'm sick and just skip the whole holiday all together. Call it quits and skip the holiday. Part of me doesn't want to face it all.
But the other part of me wants to face it. The other part of me wants to take it head on and fight it through.
The only struggle is.. if i decide to take it on and fight it through, I could end up back in that place where I don't want to be. That minor relapse, the anxiety that overwhelms and takes over every part of me for a week.
I could google and look up article after article about how to make it through the holidays .. but none of them will help. None of them are going to take it away for good. None of them are going to fix it or make it go away.
I hate the holidays.. and I can't wait until they're over.
What makes it harder is when you have more than one family that is celebrating them and you can either go to one or several. Being able to make it through the holidays is something that I have almost never been able to do without a minor relapse, simply because there is so much food and so many people and it sends me into some sort of overdrive or shock.
I've read so many articles on how to make it through the holidays.. and they all say the same thing. Make sure you have people that you can talk to, have your coping methods, etc. But that can only go so far. There are only so many things that you can do, and so many things that you can try.. and sometimes it doesn't always work. There is always going to be people that you can talk to.. the people that have helped you get to where you are today but the difference is, you've heard the same things over and over again. There comes a time when it just sounds like a broken record and it doesn't help anymore.
Every year i've managed to avoid the holidays completely or be around no more than 6 people with all of the people knowing and understanding where I stand. But this year it's different. This year there's going to be more than just 6 people... and only one of them will understand where I stand. It's almost terrifying to think that there are going to be people that don't understand how stressful it is, and that won't understand what it's like to see so much food all at once .. and so many foods that i swore i would never touch all at once.
Part of me wants to pretend that i'm sick and just skip the whole holiday all together. Call it quits and skip the holiday. Part of me doesn't want to face it all.
But the other part of me wants to face it. The other part of me wants to take it head on and fight it through.
The only struggle is.. if i decide to take it on and fight it through, I could end up back in that place where I don't want to be. That minor relapse, the anxiety that overwhelms and takes over every part of me for a week.
I could google and look up article after article about how to make it through the holidays .. but none of them will help. None of them are going to take it away for good. None of them are going to fix it or make it go away.
I hate the holidays.. and I can't wait until they're over.
Thursday, July 2, 2015
July 2nd 2015
Recently I've been getting a lot of questions as to why I won't do a fitness competition or why I haven't done one before because "you'd be good at it" or "you would only have to cut". It's hard to explain to people that cutting isn't the easiest thing when you've been where I was.
Restricting so many different things isn't the easiest or smartest thing to do when everyday is a battle with yourself to eat and make healthy choices. It's hard enough some days to eat breakfast let alone to weigh every single thing you eat and track every calorie burnt off and eaten through out the day in order to prep for a competition.
I've thought about it before... But when it comes to thinking about it for me. It's more or less if i'm mentally stable enough in order to commit to that kind of prep for that long.
And to be honest, i'm not and I may never be.
There are still so many days that I struggle with how much I eat.. even if i'm not tracking it. There are still so many days that I can't sleep at night because in the back of my mind i'm trying to figure it all out. No their aren't as many as there were before, and they get farther and farther apart with time but they do happen.
And I've come to a point where I understand that they will happen. It's just a matter of getting past them and moving onto the next day without it interfering and taking over. I'm where I am today because of where I was 3 years ago or even 6 years ago.
All i've thought about was being able to wake up and look at myself in the morning without breaking down... and everyday to me that's an accomplishment in itself. As long as I have that, I don't need a spray tan, a bikini , and heels in order to feel like i've accomplished something.
Restricting so many different things isn't the easiest or smartest thing to do when everyday is a battle with yourself to eat and make healthy choices. It's hard enough some days to eat breakfast let alone to weigh every single thing you eat and track every calorie burnt off and eaten through out the day in order to prep for a competition.
I've thought about it before... But when it comes to thinking about it for me. It's more or less if i'm mentally stable enough in order to commit to that kind of prep for that long.
And to be honest, i'm not and I may never be.
There are still so many days that I struggle with how much I eat.. even if i'm not tracking it. There are still so many days that I can't sleep at night because in the back of my mind i'm trying to figure it all out. No their aren't as many as there were before, and they get farther and farther apart with time but they do happen.
And I've come to a point where I understand that they will happen. It's just a matter of getting past them and moving onto the next day without it interfering and taking over. I'm where I am today because of where I was 3 years ago or even 6 years ago.
All i've thought about was being able to wake up and look at myself in the morning without breaking down... and everyday to me that's an accomplishment in itself. As long as I have that, I don't need a spray tan, a bikini , and heels in order to feel like i've accomplished something.
Tuesday, June 30, 2015
Accepting your past
You wake up everyday and everything is the same as it was the day before. You look in the mirror and you see the same person that you've seen day after day, month after month, year after year. Except when you take a minute to look back on everything that's happened in your life you realize that everything is different.
There are some things you look back on and smile because you remember them as the best moments of your life. The ones that you wish you could just go back and live over and over again without any of the bad things in between.
Then there are some that you look back on and try to forget. You continue to try and forget that they were ever a part of your life. It could be one thing or it could be several.. It could be an entire year or even longer. There are always going to be those things that we wish didn't happen and that we didn't do.
The thing about your past is that no matter how many times you sit and think about it, you can't change it. You can't change the choices that you made or the things that came of them. You can't change the words you said and you can't take back anything. We all have skeletons in our closet that we try to hide from the world. Skeletons that linger in the back of our minds when we meet someone new because we're scared that they won't be able to accept our past.
But how do you expect someone else to accept your past when you can't accept it yourself? I've slowly been starting to realize that the things that i said and the things that i did in the past are simply that.. in the past. I can't change what I did yesterday and I sure as hell can't change what I did 6 years ago, but I can control what I do tomorrow and what i do right now.
Everyone you meet is going to have a past. Everyone you meet isn't going to b the same person that they were before. Just like you, they change. Just like you they regret things and wish that they would have done something differently. When you learn to accept that your past is your past and it doesn't make you a bad person you understand that someone else's past doesn't make them any more or less of a good person either.
I've realized that I need to accept my past, and understand that it is my past. That i have no control over what I did before and what choices I made before. I've realized that no matter how many mistakes i've made in my past, i've learned something from every one. I've taken something away from every mistake, and from that have started turning into the person that I want to be.
The more you dwell on your past mistakes, the longer it takes to become the person you want to be.
But the thing about accepting your past... is that you can't judge everyone else on theirs. You can't expect people to be judgement free about your past mistakes when you sit and point fingers at theirs. You have no say in someone else's decisions whether they are the past, present, or future. You don't know what they've taken away from their past, all you can do is accept them for everything that they are.
There are some things you look back on and smile because you remember them as the best moments of your life. The ones that you wish you could just go back and live over and over again without any of the bad things in between.
Then there are some that you look back on and try to forget. You continue to try and forget that they were ever a part of your life. It could be one thing or it could be several.. It could be an entire year or even longer. There are always going to be those things that we wish didn't happen and that we didn't do.
The thing about your past is that no matter how many times you sit and think about it, you can't change it. You can't change the choices that you made or the things that came of them. You can't change the words you said and you can't take back anything. We all have skeletons in our closet that we try to hide from the world. Skeletons that linger in the back of our minds when we meet someone new because we're scared that they won't be able to accept our past.
But how do you expect someone else to accept your past when you can't accept it yourself? I've slowly been starting to realize that the things that i said and the things that i did in the past are simply that.. in the past. I can't change what I did yesterday and I sure as hell can't change what I did 6 years ago, but I can control what I do tomorrow and what i do right now.
Everyone you meet is going to have a past. Everyone you meet isn't going to b the same person that they were before. Just like you, they change. Just like you they regret things and wish that they would have done something differently. When you learn to accept that your past is your past and it doesn't make you a bad person you understand that someone else's past doesn't make them any more or less of a good person either.
I've realized that I need to accept my past, and understand that it is my past. That i have no control over what I did before and what choices I made before. I've realized that no matter how many mistakes i've made in my past, i've learned something from every one. I've taken something away from every mistake, and from that have started turning into the person that I want to be.
The more you dwell on your past mistakes, the longer it takes to become the person you want to be.
But the thing about accepting your past... is that you can't judge everyone else on theirs. You can't expect people to be judgement free about your past mistakes when you sit and point fingers at theirs. You have no say in someone else's decisions whether they are the past, present, or future. You don't know what they've taken away from their past, all you can do is accept them for everything that they are.
Sunday, June 28, 2015
I get asked on a constant basis what keeps me motivated. How I can wake up early and go to the gym before work or go directly after work before I do anything else. It's hard to explain to people that don't know the whole story. People that don't know why I started going regularly and when this became more than just for a sport but a lifestyle.
Somedays it's a lot easier to get up and go to the gym than others. Some mornings I wake up and want to hit the snooze button 20 times and just call it quits. But then I remember why I started. I go back to where I was when I decided that my health was more important than anything else.
What keeps me motivated isn't a bunch of fitness models. It isn't being able to wear a bikini on a beach or fit into a certain pair of shorts. I don't do fitness competitions and I probably never will. What keeps me motivated and what keeps me going is going to be different than anyone else's... because it's my journey.
It's hard to explain to people that it's not just one thing that keeps me motivated but several. It's the feeling you get after a workout. It's the feeling you get when you walk into the gym or when you hit a new best. It's the feeling of being strong, stronger than you've ever been before. It's being able to do things that you couldn't do a year ago or even a week ago. It's being able to look in the mirror and not break down into tears. It's being able to eat cookies without freaking out. It's about not being the person that I was just over 3 years ago.
Sometimes it's not even about goals or bests... sometimes it's just straight therapy. The burn you feel in your muscles. The mental escape you get when you step up to the bar and turn your music up as your pre workout kicks in and sends goosebumps throughout your entire body.
Motivation can be found anywhere through out the day. It's hard to give an exact answer when people ask me. When people ask me what keeps me motivated so that they can use the same... when the truth is, You need to be your own motivation.
I look back on what got me started, and what I used for motivation when I first started... it was me. I needed someone to save me, so I saved myself.
Somedays it's a lot easier to get up and go to the gym than others. Some mornings I wake up and want to hit the snooze button 20 times and just call it quits. But then I remember why I started. I go back to where I was when I decided that my health was more important than anything else.
What keeps me motivated isn't a bunch of fitness models. It isn't being able to wear a bikini on a beach or fit into a certain pair of shorts. I don't do fitness competitions and I probably never will. What keeps me motivated and what keeps me going is going to be different than anyone else's... because it's my journey.
It's hard to explain to people that it's not just one thing that keeps me motivated but several. It's the feeling you get after a workout. It's the feeling you get when you walk into the gym or when you hit a new best. It's the feeling of being strong, stronger than you've ever been before. It's being able to do things that you couldn't do a year ago or even a week ago. It's being able to look in the mirror and not break down into tears. It's being able to eat cookies without freaking out. It's about not being the person that I was just over 3 years ago.
Sometimes it's not even about goals or bests... sometimes it's just straight therapy. The burn you feel in your muscles. The mental escape you get when you step up to the bar and turn your music up as your pre workout kicks in and sends goosebumps throughout your entire body.
Motivation can be found anywhere through out the day. It's hard to give an exact answer when people ask me. When people ask me what keeps me motivated so that they can use the same... when the truth is, You need to be your own motivation.
I look back on what got me started, and what I used for motivation when I first started... it was me. I needed someone to save me, so I saved myself.
Monday, May 18, 2015
Every once in a while I look back on where I was six years ago and I wonder how I ever let it get that bad. I look back and wonder how I ever let it get so bad and still managed to hide it all from everyone around me. I managed to hide everything.. I managed to make it so that everyone knew that I was okay. I look back on where I was three years ago and wonder how I got there. How I got to the point where I realized that I needed to get better.. that I couldn't keep going on the path that I was on. I wonder how I slipped up.. how people started noticing. I went so long hiding everything so well and then all of a sudden people could see something was off.
Did I drop signs without realizing it? Was I slowly reaching out for someone to ask me to tell them the truth everytime I said I was okay? What was it.
I look back on the times that I thought I was alone. The times that I didn't think that I could keep going. I look back on all the times that I layed in bed hoping that it would all just go away. I take so much time looking back and trying to figure everything out that sometimes I don't realize just how far i've come.
Three years ago everything fell apart. I had no idea where I was going or what I was going to do. I couldn't even look at myself without crying. I was less than 100 pounds and yet I still wasn't good enough ... but maybe It was me. It was all in my head. I wasn't good enough for me which made me think that I wasn't good enough at all.
Three years ago I chose to get better. I chose to get help and to reach out. Three years ago I was sitting on the bathroom floor in tears wanting to escape when in reality all I wanted was for someone to save me. All I wanted was to be one of those people that could look at themselves and not want to break down into tears. Three years ago I was sitting on the bathroom floor in tears, alone and wating to get out.
I never realized that I would. I did get out. Not in the way that I thought... but in a way that changed my life and changed who I am. I got out in a way that meant I could look at myself and look at what i've accomplished and be pleased. I got out in the way that I wasn't controlled by a number on a scale or a pair or shorts.
I look at pictures of the day that I chose to get better. The day that I chose that food shouldn't make me feel guilty and that Food shouldn't be the enemy. I look back at pictures of where I used to be.. and compare them to where I am now. And i'm literally amazed.
I'm amazed at how much you can accomplish in just three years. I'm amazed at how much can change when you understand that being skinny isn't the most important thing in the world. That having a thigh gap isn't important. I'm amazed at how much someone can change in the course of three years and I couldn't be more proud of myself.
Did I drop signs without realizing it? Was I slowly reaching out for someone to ask me to tell them the truth everytime I said I was okay? What was it.
I look back on the times that I thought I was alone. The times that I didn't think that I could keep going. I look back on all the times that I layed in bed hoping that it would all just go away. I take so much time looking back and trying to figure everything out that sometimes I don't realize just how far i've come.
Three years ago everything fell apart. I had no idea where I was going or what I was going to do. I couldn't even look at myself without crying. I was less than 100 pounds and yet I still wasn't good enough ... but maybe It was me. It was all in my head. I wasn't good enough for me which made me think that I wasn't good enough at all.
Three years ago I chose to get better. I chose to get help and to reach out. Three years ago I was sitting on the bathroom floor in tears wanting to escape when in reality all I wanted was for someone to save me. All I wanted was to be one of those people that could look at themselves and not want to break down into tears. Three years ago I was sitting on the bathroom floor in tears, alone and wating to get out.
I never realized that I would. I did get out. Not in the way that I thought... but in a way that changed my life and changed who I am. I got out in a way that meant I could look at myself and look at what i've accomplished and be pleased. I got out in the way that I wasn't controlled by a number on a scale or a pair or shorts.
I look at pictures of the day that I chose to get better. The day that I chose that food shouldn't make me feel guilty and that Food shouldn't be the enemy. I look back at pictures of where I used to be.. and compare them to where I am now. And i'm literally amazed.
I'm amazed at how much you can accomplish in just three years. I'm amazed at how much can change when you understand that being skinny isn't the most important thing in the world. That having a thigh gap isn't important. I'm amazed at how much someone can change in the course of three years and I couldn't be more proud of myself.
3 years and 30 pounds.
It's taken me a while to get to where I am today. It's taken me a while to get to a point where I can be happy with myself and don't spend hours preparing myself for the anxiety that goes with eating in front of people. It took me years to get to where I'm at today. Sometimes i have bad days and it feels like everything is coming back, like its all crashing down around me. But that's the thing about recovery... it's not always easy but you have to keep choosing it, even on the bad days.
It's taken me a while to get to where I am today. It's taken me a while to get to a point where I can be happy with myself and don't spend hours preparing myself for the anxiety that goes with eating in front of people. It took me years to get to where I'm at today. Sometimes i have bad days and it feels like everything is coming back, like its all crashing down around me. But that's the thing about recovery... it's not always easy but you have to keep choosing it, even on the bad days.
Monday, April 27, 2015
3 years.
In the past three years I have gone through so many ups and downs. I've had several break downs and thought i was falling back into the place where I was before. In the past three years i've wanted to give up.. throw in the towel and just let it take over.
But i've also learned what it's like to wake up and love yourself. I've learned what it's like to go out to eat with friends and family and not have food control everything. In the past three years i've managed to become someone that isn't constantly thinking about the calories going into my body. In the past three years i've rebuilt my thought process when it comes to food and health.
When I first chose Recovery, nobody said that it was going to be easy. There were people that stayed.. and those people I can't thank enough for how much they've done for me and how much they've managed to help me through the times I wanted to give up. But I also lost a lot of people. There were so many people that left. They left without a reason and without a second thought.
I used to use the people that left as motivation. To prove them wrong. To prove that I could do it .. that i could be better. Three years later i look at the people that have stuck by me and believed in me every step of the way and I do it for them. I do it to prove them right. To prove to them that they didn't stay to watch me fall apart all over again.
Three years ago I hated myself so much that i couldn't stand to look at myself without breaking down into tears. 7 years ago, I looked at myself in the mirror and thought about everything that I could change. Today I look at myself and I smile. Today i look back at where I was and it's hard to believe that I've come so far. Today I think back to the times that people would ask me if i'd eaten that day. I look back on the things I used to do.. the things I used to say to get people off my back about eating.
In the past three years i've gone from slowly gaining weight back to not restricting anything. To the mind set that if i said no to anything I would end up back where i was before. It wasn't until this year that, that mindset was broken. It's been three years. In three years i've broken down, i've thought about giving up and letting it take control. But when I look back on it... I'm glad i didn't.. because if i would have given up and let it take over, who knows where I would be now.
There are still so many things that I struggle with, and some days are harder than others.. but the thing about mental illness is that it's a daily battle. You don't wake up one day and it's gone. Some days are harder than others. Some days you don't want to get out of bed. Some days getting up and getting dressed is all I can manage. Somedays I go to bed early and just sleep because I want it to end, I want it to go away. But that doesn't mean that I'm falling back into where i was before. One day isn't going to cancel out what i've accomplished up to this point.
Three years have gone by. It seems like so much time.. but in the long run it's really just a short period. This is going to be the rest of my life. Three years is just the beginning.
But i've also learned what it's like to wake up and love yourself. I've learned what it's like to go out to eat with friends and family and not have food control everything. In the past three years i've managed to become someone that isn't constantly thinking about the calories going into my body. In the past three years i've rebuilt my thought process when it comes to food and health.
When I first chose Recovery, nobody said that it was going to be easy. There were people that stayed.. and those people I can't thank enough for how much they've done for me and how much they've managed to help me through the times I wanted to give up. But I also lost a lot of people. There were so many people that left. They left without a reason and without a second thought.
I used to use the people that left as motivation. To prove them wrong. To prove that I could do it .. that i could be better. Three years later i look at the people that have stuck by me and believed in me every step of the way and I do it for them. I do it to prove them right. To prove to them that they didn't stay to watch me fall apart all over again.
Three years ago I hated myself so much that i couldn't stand to look at myself without breaking down into tears. 7 years ago, I looked at myself in the mirror and thought about everything that I could change. Today I look at myself and I smile. Today i look back at where I was and it's hard to believe that I've come so far. Today I think back to the times that people would ask me if i'd eaten that day. I look back on the things I used to do.. the things I used to say to get people off my back about eating.
In the past three years i've gone from slowly gaining weight back to not restricting anything. To the mind set that if i said no to anything I would end up back where i was before. It wasn't until this year that, that mindset was broken. It's been three years. In three years i've broken down, i've thought about giving up and letting it take control. But when I look back on it... I'm glad i didn't.. because if i would have given up and let it take over, who knows where I would be now.
There are still so many things that I struggle with, and some days are harder than others.. but the thing about mental illness is that it's a daily battle. You don't wake up one day and it's gone. Some days are harder than others. Some days you don't want to get out of bed. Some days getting up and getting dressed is all I can manage. Somedays I go to bed early and just sleep because I want it to end, I want it to go away. But that doesn't mean that I'm falling back into where i was before. One day isn't going to cancel out what i've accomplished up to this point.
Three years have gone by. It seems like so much time.. but in the long run it's really just a short period. This is going to be the rest of my life. Three years is just the beginning.
Tuesday, April 14, 2015
April 14 2015 -- Update / Wk 2 Phase 2
I just started my next phase with my trainer Anthony (www.mackfitnesssolutions.com) and I couldn't feel better about my workouts and how things are going. I was so skeptical on getting an online trainer on whether or not I would be actually able to follow the workouts and if they would work. But I can honestly say that it's been the best choice that i've made for myself in a long time.
It's almost been three years since I decided to choose my health and decided that I needed help. Throughout the past three years i've still struggled so much to find a balance between my physical and mental health. I've also struggled to find a healthy relationship with food after restricting certain things and keeping track of every little thing from food to the amount of toothpaste i used. I started this year still with the same struggles that i've had for the past three years and managing to fight through them and talk myself out of ending up on a path that would lead me back to where I was.
These past couple of months working with a trainer has not only improved my physical health and strength but helped me build a healthier relationship with food and with myself. Three years ago I could list you 100 things I hated about myself in less than 5 minutes.. now it would probably take me 5 minutes to find one. The things that I spent hours and weeks focusing on that I wanted to change and that I hated about myself have turned into the things that I love the most.
I still have hard days. I still have days where I struggle with it.. and it's always going to be like that. But being able to wake up every morning knowing what i'm going to eat for breakfast , lunch, and dinner and still seeing the results that I want from my workouts and still seeing the changes makes me feel 100 percent better.
There have been so many people that have asked me why I pay for a trainer if i'm qualified on my own and i've been doing it for so long I should be able to do it on my own. Sure i can do it on my own. But not having to think about what i'm going to do that day or what workouts makes things easier. It makes it so that I can focus more on the mental aspect .. and work more on my mental health as well.
It took my 3 years to realize that being healthy isn't just about exercise. It's not just about going to the gym all the time or eating healthy. Because you can do all of those things and still look at yourself in the mirror and hate everything you see. You can do all of those things and still struggle to get through the day without breaking down into tears. (Which yes i've done). Being healthy is being able to do all of those things because you love your body and you love your health.. not because you hate it. I don't do it because I don't think i'm good enough or I don't think I look good. I do it because I love it. I love the way it feels to wake up sore from a workout. I love the way I feel when I leave the gym and I love the way I feel when I get there.
It's almost been three years since I decided to choose my health and decided that I needed help. Throughout the past three years i've still struggled so much to find a balance between my physical and mental health. I've also struggled to find a healthy relationship with food after restricting certain things and keeping track of every little thing from food to the amount of toothpaste i used. I started this year still with the same struggles that i've had for the past three years and managing to fight through them and talk myself out of ending up on a path that would lead me back to where I was.
These past couple of months working with a trainer has not only improved my physical health and strength but helped me build a healthier relationship with food and with myself. Three years ago I could list you 100 things I hated about myself in less than 5 minutes.. now it would probably take me 5 minutes to find one. The things that I spent hours and weeks focusing on that I wanted to change and that I hated about myself have turned into the things that I love the most.
I still have hard days. I still have days where I struggle with it.. and it's always going to be like that. But being able to wake up every morning knowing what i'm going to eat for breakfast , lunch, and dinner and still seeing the results that I want from my workouts and still seeing the changes makes me feel 100 percent better.
There have been so many people that have asked me why I pay for a trainer if i'm qualified on my own and i've been doing it for so long I should be able to do it on my own. Sure i can do it on my own. But not having to think about what i'm going to do that day or what workouts makes things easier. It makes it so that I can focus more on the mental aspect .. and work more on my mental health as well.
It took my 3 years to realize that being healthy isn't just about exercise. It's not just about going to the gym all the time or eating healthy. Because you can do all of those things and still look at yourself in the mirror and hate everything you see. You can do all of those things and still struggle to get through the day without breaking down into tears. (Which yes i've done). Being healthy is being able to do all of those things because you love your body and you love your health.. not because you hate it. I don't do it because I don't think i'm good enough or I don't think I look good. I do it because I love it. I love the way it feels to wake up sore from a workout. I love the way I feel when I leave the gym and I love the way I feel when I get there.
Saturday, March 28, 2015
March 28 2015
I spent years restricting foods that i deemed bad for myself. I spent years hating myself and trying to find a way to make myself "perfect". I spent years with this image in my head of what perfection was. One of the main things that I spent hours upon hours looking at and trying to hide was my stomach. I never deemed it good enough. I would spend hours upon hours picking out clothes that would hide the things that i hated most... which meant i wore sweaters and layers everyday to hide the one thing that I hated most. It's been almost 3 years to the date that I hit a wall and realized that I needed help. In the past three years i've gone through phases where I love my stomach and hate my stomach at the same time. I've gone through phases where I cover it up and hide it for the simple fact it's the only part that I wish that I could change. It's been almost 6 weeks. It's been almost 6 weeks since I decided to hire an online trainer and work towards getting my abs and a toned stomach. I had spent so long restricting myself of things that when I decided to recover I refused to restrict myself from anything... which wasn't helping me in anyway at all. Overall health isn't about restricting foods, it's about eating towards your goals and treating yourself. It's about embracing your body and the changes that it's making. There are so many things have changed in the past 6 weeks... not only has my body changed due to the workouts and my nutrition. But my thought process has changed. I've broken out of the fear of getting hurt again in a race, and signed up for a 5k in May. I've decided that i'm not going to let the fear of hurting my knee, or my hip, or my ankles again hold me back. I've decided to not let the fear of falling back into where I was hold me back from things. There has been so many times that I was scared to try new things, try new meal plans, or even new workouts because of the chance that i could relapse and end up back to where I was. It took so long for me to realize that I've grown so much from where I was three years ago. That i've been able to fight this for years. I've come to realize that the fear that I have in the back of my mind is what will keep me going and what will keep pushing towards a healthier lifestyle and not falling back into the place where I once was.
The pride that I have in myself each and everyday after my workouts is something that nobody can take away from me. The pride that I have in myself for overcoming the things that I've been through is something that nobody can ever take away from me. The amount of confidence that I've been able to build for myself is something that I continue to work on everyday. I've learned to put myself first and that loving yourself not selfish. We're told so many times that loving yourself and putting yourself first is selfish that nobody does. Nobody takes the time to take care of themselves first... and thats something that I will continue to work on, because when it comes down to it... you need to take care of yourself in order to be able to take care of someone else.
The pride that I have in myself each and everyday after my workouts is something that nobody can take away from me. The pride that I have in myself for overcoming the things that I've been through is something that nobody can ever take away from me. The amount of confidence that I've been able to build for myself is something that I continue to work on everyday. I've learned to put myself first and that loving yourself not selfish. We're told so many times that loving yourself and putting yourself first is selfish that nobody does. Nobody takes the time to take care of themselves first... and thats something that I will continue to work on, because when it comes down to it... you need to take care of yourself in order to be able to take care of someone else.
I look at myself in the mirror and I smile. I look at myself in the mirror and I love what I see. Three years ago it was a completely different story. Three years ago I looked at myself in the mirror and broke down into tears. Three years ago I looked at myself in the mirror, and sat on the floor in utter disgust. I look at myself now, I look at where I am and what i've accomplished and I look back on where I was and the road that I was on... and I thank the people that left and I thank the people that stayed because without those people... I wouldn't be here. I don't know where I would be... I may have continued on that path... and then I wouldn't even be here at all. I'm a fighter.. I'm a survivor.. and I'll never stop fighting, because the second you stop fighting the voices in your head is the second that they win. I refuse to lose. I refuse to go back to where I was and I'll do whatever it takes to never go back to that thought process.
Tuesday, March 17, 2015
Week 3
I'm into week three of the first phase of the working with Anthony my online trainer and I still could not be more happy as how it's going. Not only do I feel fantastic about myself and how it's coming so far but there's still so much more that I can accomplish. I feel so good after each workout and so proud of myself for crushing myself everyday.
These three weeks have gone by so quickly, and with so little struggle that it's hard to believe that i changed that much of my diet. But it's really gone to show that your nutrition changes everything when it comes to working out.
For the most part before I was eating a pretty balanced diet, but I would have late night binge sessions of cookies and tons of other junk food. It all eventually adds up. Now that i've cut out the bingeing on junk and cut out the extra sugars and bad carbs I've seen so much more results in fewer time.
This is just after a couple of weeks ... I can't wait to see how much progress i'll have made after the full 6 weeks when i'm heading into the second stage. My goal starting this six weeks was to lean out and get some abs before summer. I can honestly say that i'm well on my way to achieving my goal.
These three weeks have gone by so quickly, and with so little struggle that it's hard to believe that i changed that much of my diet. But it's really gone to show that your nutrition changes everything when it comes to working out.
For the most part before I was eating a pretty balanced diet, but I would have late night binge sessions of cookies and tons of other junk food. It all eventually adds up. Now that i've cut out the bingeing on junk and cut out the extra sugars and bad carbs I've seen so much more results in fewer time.
This is just after a couple of weeks ... I can't wait to see how much progress i'll have made after the full 6 weeks when i'm heading into the second stage. My goal starting this six weeks was to lean out and get some abs before summer. I can honestly say that i'm well on my way to achieving my goal.
If you've thought about getting a personal trainer before but don't have the money to get someone that's one on one for your workouts.. go with an online trainer. At first I was a bit nervous as to how it would work out, because i'd never done it before.. but it was probably the best decision that i've made in a long time when it comes to my health and being able to change up my program and find something that works. It doesn't matter how much you know about working out, there's always someone out there that is going to be able to teach you something, and that's going to be able to enhance your workouts that much more and give you that push to bring you to the next level. I didn't think that I needed a trainer... but I thought I would try it for the experience ... now that i've tried it, I can't believe it took me that long to get one.
I love not thinking about what i'm going to workout that day. I love not having to think about what i'm going to make when I get home. I love that I can just open the book and look at the day and find the workout and know exactly what to do everyday without a second thought. It makes things 100 times easier.
Monday, March 9, 2015
March 9 -- 1WK into new Program
Going into my second week with a trainer and I couldn't feel better about it. The nutrition and carb cycling is probably the hardest part, but everything else seems to be coming along easily. The workouts and being able to make it to the gym are fantastic.. and after the first week my body hasn't been completely and utterly in pain. I think the change in my diet combined with the new workout program sent my body into a shock and my muscles were not ready for it.
Now that it's been a little bit over a week i'm slowly starting to see some progress as well as feel it. The better i feel and the more minor progressions that I see in myself, the more excited I am to keep going and to continue in order to reach my goal.
I spent the first month and a half of this year going back and forth with the mindset of how I used to be. My workouts were slowly going downhill and my nutrition was a mild combination of bingeing and not eating enough of anything let alone what I actually needed. I was stressed and I couldn't concentrate on things. But I've managed to get things back on track, and now working with Anthony for this past week and a bit i've managed to pull myself back together and out of where I was slowly starting to fall back into.
It's just as much of a mental thing as it is a physical thing.. and I can't wait to reach my goals both physically and mentally.
Now that it's been a little bit over a week i'm slowly starting to see some progress as well as feel it. The better i feel and the more minor progressions that I see in myself, the more excited I am to keep going and to continue in order to reach my goal.
I spent the first month and a half of this year going back and forth with the mindset of how I used to be. My workouts were slowly going downhill and my nutrition was a mild combination of bingeing and not eating enough of anything let alone what I actually needed. I was stressed and I couldn't concentrate on things. But I've managed to get things back on track, and now working with Anthony for this past week and a bit i've managed to pull myself back together and out of where I was slowly starting to fall back into.
It's just as much of a mental thing as it is a physical thing.. and I can't wait to reach my goals both physically and mentally.
Saturday, January 24, 2015
January 2015
Yes there have been days that i've been so tired i'm not sure how i'm going it through the end of the day, and there are days that i get home and pass out from pure exhaustion. It's those days that I sit back and wonder if i can actually do it. It's those days that I really need to sit down and think about what I want to do in life and how bad i want to make it. In the end the fact that I want to succeed always out weighs the cons of the amount of work that needs to be put in.
It's only the end of January and I can already see so many possibilities and opportunities coming my way for this year. I made so many goals the start of December, and this is only the beginning of achieving those goals. I don't care how many people think i'm insane for working 3 jobs, or crazy for spending all of my free time working towards the bigger picture. It doesn't matter how many times I get told to live a little ... that i'm only young once;; Because if you don't do the work when you're young, you'll end up in your thirties and not know where to go. You'll be the one that's 29 or 32 that's still thinking about where you could be. The people that are successful are the ones that start young. That know what they want in life and go for it.
Thursday, January 22, 2015
Jan 22 / 2015
There have been so many times that i've sat and looked back on how far i've come since the day I decided that I needed help and opened up to someone. There have been days that i've looked back and wondered how I managed to do it, and wondered if I was really as sick as I had thought. But then I look back on the pictures and things that I had written and I wonder how nobody ever asked if anything was wrong. How nobody noticed that I was slowly ruining my body. I look back on pictures and remember the decisions that I made and wonder how the people that I was friends with never noticed. How they never noticed my destructive behaviour.
There are so many times that I look back and think about how far i've come, but it wasn't until this week that I really put myself back into that mind frame. The reason I was destroying myself, and the reason why I decided to get help. It wasn't until this week that I really thought about what was going through my head at the time and how much i've changed through out the past couple of years.
People do change, you may not see it right away, and you might be stuck in the mind set of who they used to be so you pre judge them... but people change. People change because of the things they struggle with in silence. They change and they grow because of the different battles they face daily.
I've been told so many times throughout the years that what I struggled with and what I battled didn't make me weak. It didn't make me a bad person that I fell so far off the path. It doesn't make me a bad person that I spent years hating myself and destroying myself. It's taken me years to realize that the things that you go through don't make you a bad or a good person.. what does is how you deal with them. It's taken me a while to realize that it wasn't my fault and that mental illness isn't something you choose for yourself. I chose recovery... I didn't choose an illness.
There are so many times that I look back and think about how far i've come, but it wasn't until this week that I really put myself back into that mind frame. The reason I was destroying myself, and the reason why I decided to get help. It wasn't until this week that I really thought about what was going through my head at the time and how much i've changed through out the past couple of years.
People do change, you may not see it right away, and you might be stuck in the mind set of who they used to be so you pre judge them... but people change. People change because of the things they struggle with in silence. They change and they grow because of the different battles they face daily.
I've been told so many times throughout the years that what I struggled with and what I battled didn't make me weak. It didn't make me a bad person that I fell so far off the path. It doesn't make me a bad person that I spent years hating myself and destroying myself. It's taken me years to realize that the things that you go through don't make you a bad or a good person.. what does is how you deal with them. It's taken me a while to realize that it wasn't my fault and that mental illness isn't something you choose for yourself. I chose recovery... I didn't choose an illness.
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