March 28 2015

I spent years restricting foods that i deemed bad for myself. I spent years hating myself and trying to find a way to make myself "perfect". I spent years with this image in my head of what perfection was. One of the main things that I spent hours upon hours looking at and trying to hide was my stomach. I never deemed it good enough. I would spend hours upon hours picking out clothes that would hide the things that i hated most... which meant i wore sweaters and layers everyday to hide the one thing that I hated most. It's been almost 3 years to the date that I hit a wall and realized that I needed help. In the past three years i've gone through phases where I love my stomach and hate my stomach at the same time. I've gone through phases where I cover it up and hide it for the simple fact it's the only part that I wish that I could change. It's been almost 6 weeks. It's been almost 6 weeks since I decided to hire an online trainer and work towards getting my abs and a toned stomach. I had spent so long restricting myself of things that when I decided to recover I refused to restrict myself from anything... which wasn't helping me in anyway at all. Overall health isn't about restricting foods, it's about eating towards your goals and treating yourself. It's about embracing your body and the changes that it's making. There are so many things have changed in the past 6 weeks... not only has my body changed due to the workouts and my nutrition. But my thought process has changed. I've broken out of the fear of getting hurt again in a race, and signed up for a 5k in May. I've decided that i'm not going to let the fear of hurting my knee, or my hip, or my ankles again hold me back. I've decided to not let the fear of falling back into where I was hold me back from things. There has been so many times that I was scared to try new things, try new meal plans, or even new workouts because of the chance that i could relapse and end up back to where I was. It took so long for me to realize that I've grown so much from where I was three years ago. That i've been able to fight this for years. I've come to realize that the fear that I have in the back of my mind is what will keep me going and what will keep pushing towards a healthier lifestyle and not falling back into the place where I once was.
The pride that I have in myself each and everyday after my workouts is something that nobody can take away from me. The pride that I have in myself for overcoming the things that I've been through is something that nobody can ever take away from me. The amount of confidence that I've been able to build for myself is something that I continue to work on everyday. I've learned to put myself first and that loving yourself not selfish. We're told so many times that loving yourself and putting yourself first is selfish that nobody does. Nobody takes the time to take care of themselves first... and thats something that I will continue to work on, because when it comes down to it... you need to take care of yourself in order to be able to take care of someone else.

 I look at myself in the mirror and I smile. I look at myself in the mirror and I love what I see. Three years ago it was a completely different story. Three years ago I looked at myself in the mirror and broke down into tears. Three years ago I looked at myself in the mirror, and sat on the floor in utter disgust. I look at myself now, I look at where I am and what i've accomplished and I look back on where I was and the road that I was on... and I thank the people that left and I thank the people that stayed because without those people... I wouldn't be here. I don't know where I would be... I may have continued on that path... and then I wouldn't even be here at all. I'm a fighter.. I'm a survivor.. and I'll never stop fighting, because the second you stop fighting the voices in your head is the second that they win. I refuse to lose. I refuse to go back to where I was and I'll do whatever it takes to never go back to that thought process.